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This diary entry is written by ‹FMLYHM›. ( View all entries )
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Little story thingiesCategory: (general)
Sunday, 13 May 2007
08:35:44 PM (GMT)
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very
much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little
sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She
said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just
come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my
car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. 

Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow
Today was Daddy's Day at school
And she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees,
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet
Children squirming impatently,
Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called,
Each student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one"
Another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offened her,
As she smiled up at her mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.
"My daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me
Even though we are apart.
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart."
With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much,
He's my shining star.
And if he could he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year.
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It's like he never went away."
And then she closes her eyes,
And saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they say before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy."
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining bright star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at
the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers
to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." 

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to
adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will
be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil
servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion,
but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph"
will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in
the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and
"w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst
In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are
some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

Cerise says:   13 May 2007   286634  
I_Need_You says:   14 May 2007   991153  
lol. funny. first time i have smiled in the last year
lovin says:   14 May 2007   638376  
rubytuesday says:   15 May 2007   845315  
Love the first one and the third one and the second one and the
fourth one. Hang on. That's all of them! Claps for me!
‹FMLYHM› says:   16 May 2007   789419  
ZanyZeldaFan says:   20 October 2007   958641  
omgosh that's hysterical XDDDDD
bluejay29 says :   20 October 2007   691531  
(rolling on the floor laughing my f***ing a** off out loud so hard
that I die with tears coming out because I laughed so much)

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