Friday, 20 March 2015
12:28:20 PM (GMT)
I think a lot about the distance between us and the things we shared- what we lost.
Well, what you threw away. I think I forgot how to love when you left me- I think
that flame burned out. Now he tells me he loves me and I don't feel anything. A girl
turned robot types back "I love you too," hits send. But I don't think I could ever
let myself mean it.
It's winter, but instead of on city streets, snow is falling inside me. There's a
coldness in my heart, ice water in my veins that was never there before. Sometimes I
wonder what happened- did you take all my warmth with you? Or did I lose it somewhere
in the haze of too much to drink and not enough sleep?
I used to be brave and bright. Once upon a time, I loved deeply, without fear.
Without restraint. Now my hands shake and I spend too many nights trapped in my head.
It's like something inside me just broke. As if something irreplaceable was lost.
I've tried to find it again- that spark. In the beds of boys who say my name like a
promise, who fuck me like they hate me and leave bruises on my hips. In car backseats
with girls who drive too fast and smoke too much. I haven't found it.
I drink whiskey like water now, when I used to hate the taste of alcohol. I just want
to forget. I want to forget that you promised to love me and only me, but fucked
other girls. I want to forget every time you said "I love you" and every time you
sang me to sleep.
But I can't.