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Smart People tell you Twilight SucksCategory: (general)
Friday, 19 August 2011
03:09:16 PM (GMT)
(RicoSuave -

1.Stephanie Meyer most likely did not own a thesaurus. Her diction is full of
repetition. For example, the word "tousled" to describe Edward's (Henceforth referred
to as Mr. Sparkle" hair was used so many times I nearly began to cry.

2. The story does not ever seem to actually pick up or get interesting. This just be
my interpretation and opinion, but pretty much all she does in the first 150 pages is
go to school, want  Mr. Sparkle to look at her, and wonder why his eyes change color.
Really, that is pretty much it. I think one of the only actions in the book is she
almost gets hit by a van. Almost. She doesn't get hit. She's fine.

3. The book is written in 1st person, which in and of itself I have absolutely no
problem with. The problem that I had is that a book or story written in the first
person is quite a difficult challenge, one, in my opinion, Stephanie Meyer was not
ready to undertake. A first person narrative implies that we are being told the story
by someone who either experienced or is experiencing it. Because of this it takes a
very crafty writer to get background information into the story, because it can only
be inserted when it would be appropriate for that person to talk about said
background information. A great example of a well written first person narrative is
"Never Let Me Go." A great example of a poorly written first person narrative is

4. One last short little point, Stephanie Meyer mixes her tenses alot. Sometimes the
story is being told as if it is happening before the readers eyes, sometimes it is
being told as if all of the events already took place.

You may be saying to yourself that these are broad generalizations and my claims
cannot necessarily be supported. Well Mr. or Mrs. Skeptic, this is for you.

1. In the first few pages of the novel (page 9 in my edition) Mrs. Meyer wrote the
following " The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born." When
I read this my literary soul died just a little bit.

2. "None of them, especially [Mr. Sparkle], glanced my way anymore." This sentence
makes absolutely no sense. It literally means, "None of them looked glanced my way,
and Mr. Sparkle not glanced my way even harder."

I implore you, read Twilight. All good writers and readers need an example of bad
literature so that they can distinguish the good stuff.


Do not make my mistake and judge something before you know the facts; instead read
into the subject that you are debating more than your opponent so that you can smite
them with facts and logic. It makes your win much more satisfying.

836 pages. That’s how long Stephanie Meyer’s Breaking Dawn is.
It wasn’t like that in the beginning.
Her first story Twi­light was by com­par­ison tiny at only around 250 pages. Her
second, New Moon was around 20 or so pages longer and al­most as tol­er­able due
it’s brevity. Her third, Ec­lipse was 368 pages in length– a number I be­lieve
to be pushing it when you have very little to ac­tu­ally say.

But Breaking Dawn, her magnum opus as it were, is 836 pages long and it is with great
dread and hor­rible foresight that I con­sider reading the first words of it.

All told and then re­gret­tably com­bined that’s around 1700 hun­dred pages of
teenage mas­turb­atory vam­pire fantasy written by a woman who seems to hate
teen­agers more than any­thing else on the planet. 1700 pages penned by a woman
pos­sessed by the horrid urge to con­tinue to write des­pite the fact that she ran
out of plot at around the 100 page mark and con­tinued to sub­sti­tute it for self
in­sert fan ser­vice and name dropping.

These are 1700 pages written solely for Stephanie Meyer to read, and re-dream the
dream that led to the pen­ning of the Twi­light saga. A dream of vam­pires and
Wash­ington so per­sonal that it reads like a live­journal entry.
Her main char­acter, the in­sipid dish water brown Bella Swan is sup­posedly
self­less beyond all other his­tor­ical fig­ures. Ever. On the planet.
And that she is.

She is ac­tu­ally so devoid of a self as to be ut­terly char­ac­ter­less. Of
course this ex­plains per­fectly why her super nat­ural boyfriend’s talent of
reading the minds of every person in the world ever whether they like it or not
doesn’t work on her. There is no mind there to read.
This is of course des­pite the con­stant al­lu­sions to her in­tel­li­gence or
fem­inism or ad­vanced ma­turity. Mind you these things are only ever pointed out
dir­ectly, in some fine ex­amples of telling not showing, in order to let you how
know the hu­mans she’s forced to spend time with are stupid, small minded and just
‘don’t get her’. She simply wanders around all day, every day being nar­rated
in the first person so that every page (of which, I would like to re­mind you, there
are around 1700) is an end­less list of things which “I did” or “I saw” —
the things which Bella and by ex­ten­sion, Meyer ob­serves to be true.

But Bella is a 17 year old girl dreamt up by a 40 year old woman trapped in the
mindset of a 14 year old girl who has only re­cently learned what ad­ject­ives are
and yet doesn’t quite un­der­stand them.

In this world of home spun hor­mone in­fused folk tale the per­cep­tions of
Stephanie Meyer are those of god. A creepy, Mormon and per­man­ently pre-menstrual
God who peers down out of the hole in the sky mor­al­ising her dif­fi­cult
teenage years into a night­mare of pu­bes­cent fantasy.
Ed­ward, Bella’s 100 year old tragic golden eyed hero is a marble Ad­onis — in
the au­thors own words the exact rep­lica of Michelangelo’s David — who’s
nasty tend­ency to sneak un­bidden into the rooms of teenage girls to watch them
sleep is en­dearing in­stead of threat­ening and ob­sessive. He’s a GOOD
VAMPIRE after all and only feeds on Deer and Moun­tain Lions and it’s not like his
at­trac­tion to her is ini­tially based on his ma­gical VAMPIRE sense of smell
which makes his every waking mo­ment a con­stant battle not to lit­er­ally eat
her. And I mean every waking mo­ment be­cause that is pre­cisely what they spend
to­gether it being much healthier to con­stantly stare torrid sexual danger and
an­ni­hil­a­tion in the face than it is to oc­ca­sion­ally walk away and take
some time out for biscuits.

Every de­cision Ed­ward makes is solidly backed up by the psychic powers of his
ad­opted sister. To­gether these two super human jokers co-operate to bring Bella
into their family using methods oddly re­min­is­cent of some sort of mes­si­anic
cult. The age dif­fer­ence between the two (that of roughly 83 years but who’s
counting anyway) is written off due to Bella’s im­mense ma­turity which is
ap­par­ently the product of being made to pro­tect and oth­er­wise look after
her child-like, selfish mother. She is the real adult of the story, being in
pos­ses­sion of the sort of old souls en­thu­si­ast­ic­ally talked about by
the kind of people who routinely take time out to view the girls swim wear sec­tion
of the Lit­tle­Woods catalogue.
In Meyer’s fic­tional world of Forks Wash­ington it is clearly ac­cept­able for
things like this to happen. Re­straining or­ders are a thing of myth and le­gend
and childish ex­per­i­ment­a­tion reaps no con­sequences that cannot be
com­pletely ig­nored due to the om­ni­science of VAMPIRES.
VAMPIRES are fant­astic. VAMPIRES fear nothing. Es­pe­cially not con­sequences,
con­cerned fathers or stat­utory rape laws. The only thing they could pos­sibly
fear is other VAMPIRES.

And around these uni­versal maxims grows our story which will en­com­pass
ob­sessive jealous Native Amer­ican were­wolves, equally ob­sessive and vengeful
EVIL VAMPIRES and mul­tiple crimes against grammar.

Not that there’s any­thing wrong with es­capism. (Which is what Meyer is writing
about here.) Not that there’s any­thing wrong at all with a bit of fantasy.
(Al­though in this case it might be ne­ces­sary to re­place a bit with ‘a
fucking ton’.) And what was I doing reading a col­lec­tion of books
(sup­posedly) written for teen­agers anyway?

To be honest I don’t really know. It started with a You­Tube video of the by now
famous base­ball scene from the movie ad­apt­a­tion of Twi­light. It fea­tured
sparkly pho­toshopped 20 somethings pre­tending to be teen­agers, like most movies
for the teen demo­graphic. It was hor­rific and yet fas­cin­ating at the same
time. So ob­vi­ously when the movie ap­peared on gen­eral re­lease I had to see
what ex­actly was going on with these ‘sparkly faggot vam­pires’ and so I
watched it.

And then after I’d watched it I somehow de­cided that reading the books would be a
good idea. I will never know where ideas like this come from — whether it’s
wholly formed out of the ether or from in­side the part of my own brain that hates
me beyond measure and wants me to suffer. Re­gard­less those ideas are al­ways
ter­rible, as I have dis­covered be­fore and was about to dis­cover again around
two pages into what I would like to call ‘my hor­rible journey of discovery’.

It’s not that I hate Stephanie Meyer — even though there is a lot to hate. I’ve
never met her so it would follow that hating her wouldn’t be en­tirely ra­tional.
I have frankly no idea what she must be like as a person apart from the vision of her
I have man­aged to pull to­gether from her writing.
If anyone reading this is fa­miliar with Viri­gina Woolf’s ‘A Room of One’s
Own’ then you are prob­ably equally fa­miliar with her sup­pos­i­tion that any
novel writing that res­ults in the reader forming a pic­ture of the au­thor in
their mind is tech­nic­ally bad. Shakespeare, in Woolf’s opinion is the per­fect
ex­ample of a writer who avoids this trap — there is very little which can be
taken from his work of him­self and there­fore the man re­mains a mys­tery, which
is the goal of writing good fiction.

Not so for Miss Meyer whose car­digan shrouded, round shouldered pres­ence was so
re­cog­nis­able in her cameo ap­pear­ance as ‘silly cow eating burger in diner
while looking massively fucking smug and out of place’ in the movie
ad­apt­a­tion of Twi­light that it was im­possible to miss her. She’s just
that type of woman.

The type of woman who wrote a book that, be­hind all the pre­tend fem­inism,
dra­matic self in­dul­gence and self in­ter­ested self sac­ri­fice, was really
about what it would be like to be mar­ried to a VAMPIRE and the ma­gical
responsibility-less teen preg­nancy that such a union would result in. It’s pure
pulp fantasy trash.

She’s not a hateful cow. She’s not a hor­rible human being. She’s just a lady
who wrote a stupid series of books for teen­agers, which, at the heart of it is why
I dis­like her and her 1700 pages of re­tardo VAMPIRE smut. At the very center of
it I have climbed on to my high horse, not be­cause of her bad writing, but
be­cause I’m an­noyed at her dis-service to teen­agers in general.

Your teenage years are the safest place and time for you to do stupid things.
They’re spe­cific­ally the time in which a young adult is sup­posed to make
re­tarded mis­takes and in doing so learn from them. Bad friend­ships, dan­gerous
re­la­tion­ships with in­tense older dudes your par­ents dis­ap­prove of,
sexual ex­per­i­ment­a­tion, flir­ta­tion with al­cohol and the wrong type of
people. You’re sup­posed to do all this when you’re a teen­ager and it’s ok
to be stupid — that’s the be­ha­viour ex­pected from you.

Any sort of young adult fic­tion aimed at teen­agers is going to re­flect that.
But it’s also hope­fully going to try to edu­cate the idiot kids reading it and
steer them away from making stupid de­cisions they can’t undo while
en­cour­aging them to un­der­stand more about them­selves and the world around
them. Writing for young adults is a ser­ious job with big re­spons­ib­il­ities.
Ped­dling a bit of fantasy is great but you have to back it up with a feeling that
at the end of the day you don’t jeal­ously be­grudge young people their youth,
beauty and pos­sib­il­ities the way that Meyer does.
She single mindedly sets Bella on top of a ped­estal of in­con­tro­vert­ible
logic — at her ma­ture 17 years of age she knows it all far better than any adult
or in this case super human 800 year old adult.

Bella knows everything. Bella is bul­let­proof and nothing, ever can go wrong. She
just has to keep on be­lieving that her re­la­tion­ship with a giant
con­trolling creeper is right for her and no-one can tell her any dif­ferent even
if they’re older and more experienced.
She knows she wants to be­come a VAMPIRE in­stead of going to col­lege. She knows
she wants to lose her vir­ginity be­fore be­coming a VAMPIRE even if this means
going against her bloody minded prin­ciples and get­ting mar­ried at the age of 18
to a pos­sessive, broody twat bag whose 18th cen­tury chiv­alry wont stand for sex
be­fore mar­riage or com­prom­ises. Later, after her mar­riage of VAMPIRE
con­veni­ence she then knows she wants to give birth to her very own half idiot
half VAMPIRE baby, which until it’s de­livered by fang cesarean amuses it­self by
eating her alive from the in­side out.

Bella Swan, the lit­erary in­carn­a­tion of Stephanie Meyer, is a bloody minded,
pig headed, ar­rogant teenage girl. There is nothing in her story that couldn’t be
fixed with some self es­teem building ex­er­cises like horse riding and a good
lec­ture about con­tra­cep­tion. It would be that simple to turn this horror
story around.

Throughout her 1700 page journey of selfish­ness she whines, moans and name drops
ex­pensive yet ter­rible cars for no real reason. There’s no point to any of it
save reading about a bit of gothic glamour and dreaming about how great life would be
if a suave well read older man whisked you off to Europe and filled you with ba­bies
so that you didn’t have to turn up for your shift at your summer job at Tesco.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with that.

As long as you don’t pre­tend to im­pres­sion­able teenage girls (and in some
cases fully fledged adult re­tards) that it’s any­thing other than it is.
Last edited: 19 August 2011

‹Fairy.Wind.› says:   19 August 2011   796743  
Uhuhuh. I made my parents waste $10 on that book only so I can store
it in a box and never finish it after reading 5 chapters. Most boring
book ever.
‹<3 Forever Yours <3› says:   19 August 2011   285172  
Oh my God someone gets it! I have been telling my friends not to read
that trash since it came out. I am a closet writer and can't stand
Meyer's supposed "masterpiece". I enjoy writing in first person but it
is very challenging and reading her book gave me no hope of being a
writer it just showed me that, anyone can right crap and become famous
authors over night. I am a huge vampire lover and reading about and
watching a vampire sparkle in sunlight, quite frankly pissed me off to
know end. I walked out of my living room when I saw that crap. What
kind of vampire fucking sparkles in the sun? Not to mention vampires
are sexy and in my opinion Edward or whatever his name is, is an ugly
egotistical prick off screen and he's not sexy at all. But in short of
my rant, I agree with you full heartedly, and glad finally someone saw
what I read.
chu says:   19 August 2011   351898  
Pff, Twilight is so 2 years ago.

But I must agree, it is pretty bad. I personally think it's okay but I
don't know how it became so "awesomely" famous. Bella is a Mary Sue
(as soon as she comes to highschool everyone is pratically begging
"BELLA BE MY FRIEND D;" and she's all like "Meh...I'll hang with you
guys for the hell of it only until Mr. Sparkle lets me ride on him
like a effin koala baby. Then when he leaves me I'll go into
depression and decide to come back until I have to save his suicidal
sparkling ass.")

A good vampire series is Vampire Academy, you don't have any Mary Sues
or sparkles ;D
fireonthemountain says:   19 August 2011   578609  
The amount of times I saw the phrase "russett colored" referring to
Jacob made me want to jump off a building and get hit by a bus.
NikolaBleedsBleu says:   19 August 2011   780599  
@‹Of Moons, Birds and Monsters<3›: Yeah I didn't buy it, I
borrowed it from the library and couldn't muscle my way through. 

@‹Angel_of_Massacre› : Yeah I've always been a vampire fan too and
her little "twist" really pissed me off. Only my cheesy friend likes
it and everyone avoids it like the devil. 

@chu: It's the mainstream vampire trend following Twilight that
infected everyone and has made vampires gayer than aliens (which is
still in play). I personally hated it because it started that trend
and that trend ruined my obsession. And it's such a horribly written
book, I won't be as upset if it was actually good but its trash and
emphasizes my pain. (<--- Over-dramatic lol)

@fireonthemountain: Haha :p 
‹The Lark› says:   20 August 2011   523343  
I hated it when it was popular, and I'm glad that it's pretty much
forgotten, like I thought it would.
The saddest thing about it, is the basic concept actually has a lot of
potential to be good.

Did you ever hear about the follow up dream she had? Apparently,
sparkle boy came back and told her that she wrote everything all
wrong. So even her characters hate it. xD
NikolaBleedsBleu says :   21 August 2011   199194  
lol I knew the book would fade but I knew the fad would live one & I
didn't hear of the follow-up but THAT is hilarious

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