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This diary entry is written by EatYurShortz. ( View all entries )

First Blog - My Mistakes Have Ruined a Part of MeCategory: schooldays, highschool, mistakes, girl, love
Thursday, 4 August 2011
07:34:11 PM (GMT)

Well, this is my first blog ever. I don't think anyone's gunna end up reading
about my crappy life but... who knows 

Life in Oklahoma City is really hard on me these past couple of days. I have just
returned home from Port Aransas, Texas after visiting my mom for about a month. My
parents were divorced when I was five, so every year I make time to see my mom. Well
these days I wish I was still there with he. My friends down there (Aubrey and
Austin) are the ones a wish I could see everyday, not the jerks here  
Allow me to explain...
I have dated this guy for a total of ten months. Our relationship has been off and on
a lot all because I can't commit. Everything that has happened between me and him is
because of me... and i admit it. I wish I could change everything... His name is Jon.
Well, I may be fifteen but... I have never loved anyone like I have loved this guy.
And I find that crazy and unbelievable, so what do I do? I break up with him for
another guy. A few weeks later that guy turns out to be a jerk, and Jon's always
there to catch me and we fall in love again. But that perfect relationship always
crumbles after a couple of months, and I leave him again. Of course the same things
happens and I always end up with him. This has been going on since... The middle of
August 2010. Of course every now and again we have our average relationship wise
fights. But those usually clear up pretty fast. Well now the tables are turned on
me... the first week after I got to my moms I did it again for Jon's best friend (I
know it's soo shallow and I regretted this decision and everyday I wish I could go
back and change it...) Zach. I have known zach since the beginning of 7th grade (Im a
freshman 9th grader now) and me and him have been best friends ever since. So as I
was visiting my mom I learned he really had a thing for me all these years cause he
told me when we were on skype. Zach: cute, nice, funny, tall, tan, strong... He was
perfect... so I left Jon... Well... this drove Jon mad on the inside though he didn't
show it cause well he never shows his true emotions... so he let me go and for once
dated someone new. That's right, all the times before he never dated anyone else, he
waited for me... cause well he was in love with me. The girl Jon ended up withs name
is Michelle. I knew he and her were friends and he had been going over to her house
to hang out. He told me that he never liked her and she never liked him but
apparently that wasnt the case  so this was his payback... and I was heartbroken. I
didn't relise what I had until I lost it. Everything about zach seemed... I dont know
how to explain it really... I just realised that I didn't love Zach, and that i could
never love anyone. Not like Jon that is. I begged and begged Jon to come back and he
wouldnt take me. So you know what I did? I broke up with zach... and told him that I
loved him... as a best friend. He understood because hes awesome  but Jon still
never came back. Finally Jon and I used our friend, Stephen, to communicate becuase
Jon wouldnt call or text back. Jon had told Stephen that I needed to move on. I
couldn't believe it... but I relised that I caused this so I did what he said and
just pushed him out of my heart. The next week Jon texts me "Hey babe ". I just
stared at the text and thought that he ment to send it to Michelle and not me becuase
our names both start with M. I texted back "sorry jon, but didn't u mean to text
Michelle that and not me...?" he replied "Nope  I still love you babygirl. You were
my first love and always will be."... withing the hour, Im ashamed to say, we
successfully sexted. Yes, he was still with Michelle. He cheated on her and the guilt
was killing me. So I told jon not to talk to me for awhile... Jon used Stephen to
communicate of course. Stephen said "Jon wants you to move on." I was pissed. I tried
to move on and he pulled me back to him! So I told Stephen what Jon and I did.
Stephen said things like "He's such a whore!" and "Im gunna kick that ho's ass!" and
so on and so on. Finally me and Jon started to talk ourselves again. Stephen had told
us to foward every text we sent to eachother to him and we did. We were saying how we
should be just friends and I am going to move on and he can't cheat on Michelle and
so on and so on. But, in one text he said "Stop telling stephen everything i say now
>_> i dont want u to move one miranda." once again shock and anger went through me.
And I unleashed my anger at him. But then he explained, "i dont care about michelle
like that. i only love you and am only using her as pay back." hearing this made me
want to cry. I was happy in a weird way cause Jon still loved me, but he made me feel
so bad and cry everyday and made me regret everything because of this. So what i did
is this: I told him "Look, I love you too... but it's either me, or her. Im not going
to wait until your ready. I want to stop hurting inside and move on and if you choose
her thats what Im gunna do. If you choose me, then i swear on my life i will never
break ur hear. I know how u felt now... and im sorry i put you through that. You've
got 3 days to end it with her. In 3 days I will be back in OKC and you have to be
single by the time m back to have me."... three days later me and Jon were together
again, but he made me tell no one. He said "All my friends will kill me if they new I
broke up with michelle for you." so i kept it a secret. a week later i try getting
him to come over to my house but we had a family reunion that day and right as jon
was about to arrive at my house dad announces its time to leave to the reunion. That
morning i was rushing jon so bad that he got mad,a nd for me to cancel on short
notice, he nver texted me. I was so mad at myself cause jon hated that i could be
controlling and I did what i promised not to do. Control him. A week later
(yesterday) i figured out why he wouldnt talk to me. turns out the night before he
tried to come over he spent the night at Keagan's house. Keagan is Jon's best friend
whos like his brother. Well Keagan texted me sayng " You wanna know why Jon is
texting you?" I said "Yes :/" he said "Last weekened when he spent the night he broke
up with Michelle to date a girl he met at Skate Moore (our skating rink here in
Oklahoma)." I wanted to cry... He was cheating on me... but keagan didn't know that
because I swore I wouldnt tell anyone we were dating... so I just said "Haha why
would I care? :P Me and him are friends." I lied and acted like nuthing was a
problem. I was crying in bed as I texted that too. keagan said "Alright Ill tell him
he can text you." so jon texted me. I pretended I didnt care or notice he cheated on
me. All i said was "You should of let me move on... why would you date someone else
and break my heart again instead of letting me move on?" he said "I dont know." I
never replied... I deleted his number... Im going to move on... i cant picture
kissing anyone else, or loving anyone else but him. But I'm going to find the one for
me one day. Maybe Zach was him and i was just so jealous of Michelle and i didnt see
that. Maybe this upcoming year of highschool will bring me to the guy of my dreams...
I just need to move on, ignore any message or call from jon, and be happy again....

So now here I am a day later. All you readers don't know how much me and Jon has been
through... I lost almost all of my friends except for a few for Jon. I really loved
him... And I turned him into a cheating monster. I garantee he was so honest and
loyal before the summer break started. But it was one mistake I caused that ruined
part of my life. I miss him... but im going to forget him...eventually

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