Tuesday, 4 January 2011
11:58:55 PM (GMT)
I miss you and I shouldn't. I want to not miss you so badly. and I want to tell
myself that I never really loved you and that I was just tricking myself.
But I wasn't tricking myself, and part of me will always and forever love you. I lied
to you. Actually, I lied to you a lot but the last lie I told you, I had to tell you
this. Because I wanted to hear you hurt, and I wish I could take it back. I wish I
could take back telling you I didn't love you anymore, that I hadn't in a while. That
was a lie. I was just so tired of hurting. I was tired of not feeling alive. I was
tired of giving in, and crying myself to sleep. I was tired of never knowing if you
would be angry with me. I was tired of not getting to talk to people, and I was tired
of you knowing every single thing I did- and if I didn't get your approval I couldn't
do it? You were going to take dance away from me, Jake, dance
. You were going
to take away the reason I still breathe sometimes.
I almost committed suicide. I had everything written down. My will, my apologies. And
I was giving up, but not on you. No, you were the first person I wrote to in the
little book. And I begged you to forgive me in it, and told you I just couldn't be me
anymore, because I didn't know who she was. That was going to be my way out. That was
going to be how I got away. Because I didn't want to be without you, I wanted you so
badly. But to have you, I couldn't have myself. You took me away from me.
And when I wanted myself back, you cried. And you begged to have me back, and do you
know- I wanted to take you back. I wanted to so badly. But I couldn't do
told everyone I fell out of love with you and that was all that happened. I didn't
tell them how you hurt me, I didn't tell them the names you called me, how sometimes
you'd treat me like a dog if I didn't do what you asked. I didn't tell them that you
guilt tripped me into so many things. I just told them I fell out of love. Because
Jake, I'll always defend you. I don't let people trash talk you, not ever. I wanted
you back, Jake, for a long time. But I knew I'd just get hurt. Over and over again.
and I was scared
of you. You knew how to break me down. You knew what words to
say, and I let you say them. Over and over and over and over. I let you make me hate
myself. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in myself. I let all of it
happen, I allowed you the control. But I was too scared to lose you, and then you
took everyone away and I knew that if I lost you I'd be so alone. I cried, for a long
time, when I broke it off. And I wanted to call you and have you make me stop crying.
I just wanted to be okay and I wasn't. Dad took away the phone. He did. Both my
parents knew, I'd call you. I think everyone knew.
I was a mess, okay? I'd curl up in your clothes and cry my eyes out. No one knew. And
sometimes, when I still feel like falling apart, I curl up in your hoody- like it's
my security blanket. You see, you'd become this huge chunk of who I was. It was like
cutting your arm off, you sometimes think it's still there and you try to move it but
. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.
And, honestly, apart of me will forever love you. You were my first real
And even through your meanness, and through the controlling acts, you loved me too. I
had my whole life planned out with you. And now I don't know what I'm going to do
with my life. But, part of me, will always love you. I think we'll forever remember
each other- at least the good. I like talking to you, you always know how to make me
smile, and that's something Alex hasn't learned yet. You know how to deal with me.
And I think we have new respect for one another, and I like that. I like us being
friends. It's better than how we were. I'm glad you're growing into this person,
this deep person who knows so much more than I do and is becoming so much more mature
than me. I'm proud of you for this. and I hope that whatever girl you end up with,
that you two respect each other. I want you happy, I promise.
Whether I show you this or not, is the question. But I'm done. Goodnight,
Last edited: 11 June 2011