Friday, 5 February 2010
04:59:18 PM (GMT)
I believed that the whole thing was the most disgracefully gross, disappointing
thing. Really? The little faith that grown-ups did have in us teenagers were being
expelled by the fact of this Disgrace. It needs a capital letter. Not to mention, who
would want that? Why would anyone want there name on the List.
The List is that special piece of paper for the High School Part of Jhon G.
Catholic School that names all the people who have slept with someone and who they
slept with. What's funny is that the more times your name goes on there, the more of
a hoe you are. And they take pride in that? Digracfully disgusting. And, to
think that all they stress in school is that sex is a sin.
And my name, innocent, sweet, little virgin Nylaz Harmonica (weird middle name, I
know) Janeis, is not on there. Not once. I refuse to disgrace myself like that. I
refuse to be a part of that. It is sinful. If this is our generation, what the hell
is gonna happen to the other generations?
I shook my head, staring at the List. It was the only way to figure out who was
doing who, and who was most likely to catch an STD this week. Millicent, the avid
Christian who does no wrong according to her, lost her virginity Saturday night at
ten: thirty. So, she keeps time? Ten thirty was the party, wasn't it?
Interesting....as I looked next to her name, I smirked.
Jace Price, the most man-whorish school in school, was the one she had lost her
virginity to. I had told her times and times again that she would. But, her, no she
went on saying how she would never fall into that sweet, charming, Britisih
accent--hell, the lesbians fell for that voice--but she did.
I hiked my skirt up a little. I was no whore, hoe, or slut. Actually, I was a
virgin that had never participated in any sexual thing at all. Besides kissing. And
hugging, but that guy was gay, so that doesn't count I don't think. But the point is,
I'm not innocent either. I might go to a Catholic school--not by choice,
rest-assured, I'm Southern Baptist--but I don't believe in wearing long skirts or
covering up the body. I might refuse to partake in activites with the boys, but, I
will NOT, by any way, lose what flirting skills and sexual attraction I do have..
Tugging down my purple tank top so that it was visible underneath my white school
shirt, I made my way out of the bathroom stall. I washed my hands, peering at my
face. I looked rather....frightened. My normally small eyes were friamed by thick,
black eye-liner so that they looked wide open and sparkling.
I let out a sigh, fixed my brown bang with the one bleach blonde streak through
it, and grabbed my Hello Kitty booksack. Oddly, the booksacks normally reserved for
little kids were in style, also the girls had Spider-Man, Superman, and Ninja
Turtles, while the boys had Hello Kitty, Barbie, and other girl characters.
As the bell rung, I slowly walked up the halls, dodging people. Really, gah, they
should get bigger hallways.
"Hey, Nylaz!" a voice shouted.
I turned around. The voice sounded vaguely like--
I hit something.
More like someone.
Warm, muscular, male hands grabbed my shoulders and settled me. I was a bit dizzy.
Gah, he had a nice six-pack.
"Are you okay?" His voice was lilting, charming, and British. Jace.
I tensed sligtly and pulled away from him. I had already, despite my greater
judgement, fallen in love with him once--two years ago when he moved here (No idea
how he still hasn't shook the British accent for the country one). And, I will not,
and I will repeat this often, not fall for him agin. That was a bad moment for me.
Ugh. Fourteen year olds.
He ached an eyebrow. I suspected some of those perverted teenage boy jokes that he
threw out with my brother, Sebastian, and their friend, Tyler. But he didn't say
anything, just let me go, watching me. Stalker much? I dashed off through the halls
and into the lunchroom, trying to tell my stomach not to get those damn butterflies,
and telling my heart not to do the flippy thingy. It's not worth.
Not only is Jace a man-whore, he's a badass man-whore who is also an ass to the
girls, but they can't do anything about it because they fall prey to his unbelievably
hot accet. Which, I know everything about, having dreamed of it endless times as I
laid awake in my bed at night when I was fourteen, hoping that he would get past the
little jelly rolls and baby fat and love me for who I was.....
Jace paid more attention to the fly buzzing around my head then me. Which, as to be
expected, made me who I am today. The Bitch. With a capital b. I ddn't enjoy the
non-attention. And my brother was muscled by fifteen. I was the chubby,
might-as-well-be-ugly-cuz-I-never-got-compliments baby sister. And that was not fun.
So I began to work out with my brother, starve myself, then cut myself when the
plan wasn't working. Sebastian caught on after tree weeks o cutting myself. But I
promised I'd stop, and he believed me. Retard. Never believe a love-struck fourteen
year old gil. Especialy when it can endanger her health. I went to the doctor for a
phycial, learned I was 45 pounds overweight. Well....I lost them. In five months. I
ate about, what, six times in those five months. And only three binges
Well, when I became incrediably skinny nd Jace sitll didn't notice me, I cut myself
on my stomach. The last cut I ever placed on my body was deep enough that I ha to be
hospitalized for a wee, get stiches, and menta help. I wen o thi nice little
backwoods country summer abin thingy for people like me.
Ther, they taught me something that I lie by: She's not a bitch. Sh's just
strong because she knows what it's like to be weak. And she's not defensive. She just
keeps her guard up because she knows what it's like to cry herself to sleep. That
one sentence change my whole life.
Anorexia is a leading cause in teenagers today, especially girls. And some die. I
wasn't going to be one of those numbers. Hell. No. It wasn't happening to me. So
instead of looking for a boy to tell me I was pretty and eprfect how I was, I looked
deep within myself. I also found out I wasn't cutting because it took the pain away,
hell, it added to it to me. I was cutting because I needed someone to notice, to
listen, someone to answer my call for help.
Well, here I am, three inches taller, and not a stick, but healthy and curved. I
play sports, and I volunteer at the Cabin, which has the gayest name there: Camp Get
Happy! Sebastian thinks it's perverted and wants to go there to see why I came home
I eventually gave up love. I'm unlovable. I don't plan on getting married. Sex, if I
ever want it that bad, I'll do one of those alwas-avaiable, always-eage,
I took a salad, bottle of wter, and a brownie. I normally ate salads on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays. Thursdays and Tuesdays I ate a little portion of fatty
foods, like half a burger. Saturday and Sunday I ate things high in carbs because
those were my work-out days. It keeps me in shape and I'm healthy.
I looked for Alexi, my gay best friend. His shocking pink hair stood out against
the flurry of black oneshe was surrounded by. He looked like an emo boy, except for
the hair, so he tended to hang out with them until I came. I had, in return, made an
effort to hangout with them. But they seemed sort-of bitchy and angry at me. For some
And, lately, I just don't gve a fuck. Especially with Mama and her binge drinking,
coming home drunk every night becaue Daddy has decided she's not his woman anymore,
and Daddy calling me to get me to stay wth him (which I won't because Daddy is a
abusive and sexual to me, and I, for one, am happy he's gone), and Sebastian going
around, fucking every girl in sight, I really don't give a rat's ass about them. They
can go fuck themselves for all the difference it makes to me.
I lightly touched the spot of my tattoo. It wasn't that big, bu it wasn't that
small either. In cursive letters it read, Believe in Hope, Hope for Miracles. I
didn't understand it at first. And still don't. But everytime things got hard, I
touched it, and it gave me that small spark that I could go on each and every day.
One of the girls in thre that really didn't like me, Alyssa, smiled at me warmly
today. "Hey, Nyl," she said, using my nickname.
I arched an eyebrow. She never talked to me, and when she did it was to make some
lame lsbian joke because the end of my name sounds like 'lez'. "What the fuck you
want? You never talk to me," I said, blunt. I never really undestood the vague thing
Sebastan's voice came from across the lunchroom. Everybody stopped and glanced up
curiously. I turned around, ready to face whatever tortue he wa sinflciting upon me
today. With him, who knew what the hell I'd go through everyday. "What?" I shouted
"Here!" He held upsomething wriggling. It was brown and small with a tail, and...
"Who's it for?"
"You, special!" he said bak, grinning. "A late birthday present from me and the
boys," he explained, walking over to me. The boys were him, Tyler, and Jace. The hot,
popular, jocks that girls dropped down on their knees too. Not to praise them, but to
give themwhat they think is a well-deserved blow job.
"And you brought it to school?" I asked incredously as the small bundle was placed
into my hands. "Hey, baby," I cooed softly, kissing the small head. He/she licked my
"Yeah." He nodded enthusiasticlly. Although my brother was a jerk sometimes, he
had his moments where he was the sweetest brother ever. "It's a girl."
"Awww, how sweet," I said. I shifted the puppy to one arm and then left my other
arm open for a hug. "Thanks, Sebastard," I said, using my nickname for him.
Se-bastard. He has grown to enjoy it. And even if he hasn't, I will still call him
that so he has no choice.
He smiled, looking every bit the little boy facade that he used to get out of
trouble. It wasn't hard. Like me, he had the most childish features. A soft, round
face, big brown eyes, and a sweet smile with two dimples. And he's fair-skinned and
curly-haired. He is some kinds of cute, let me tell ya. "Welcome, Nyl," he said. "Let
me go get the boys so you can thank them, too."
"They ain't gettin' hugs," I called out behind him. I hugged the little puppy to my
chest. "I gotta thank fo you a name....Beebee." I smiled as Beebee wriggled in my
arms, barking that small high puppy bark. My own little puppy. Yay! And it's not even
that late. My birthday was only two days ago...
Worst. Birthday. Of. My. Life.
My brother came with his girlfriend of day--he never keeps them any longer than
that--and she was a bitch. She was whiny, complainign about every-damn-thing, and
wanted all of his attention--not to mention getting him in bed. Mother, her drunk
ass, crashed the party, blew out my damn candles, threw the cake against the wall,
and punched me in the shoulder, effectively giving me a bruise the size of her fist.
Daddy, the pervert, came and told me that I was another year older so I had to be
experiencing more things....more sexual things. And guess who he wanted me to
experiment on? Him. My older sister, Hollie Jay, decided that she would pop over for
a visit with her husband and their aggravating children--the twins, Michael and
Mikayla. It's not that I don't like kids--I love them. But hers irritate me in a way
I didn't think was possible. Anyway, the twins broke my new presents--the three I had
(an Iphone, a laptop, and a new bed), and so now Hollie Jay is paying for them. Lucky
bitch. She can afford it. To top off the wonderful afternoon--and I'm using heavy
sarcasm here--Jace and Tyler came drunk and tried to fuck me.
I am such a lucky girl.
Last edited: 7 February 2010