Monday, 1 February 2010
09:29:00 PM (GMT)
So, today was the first day of school since Sarah's death.
I went to school on the bus, and it seemed like a normal day. Everything seemed
Once I arrived, all hell broke loose.
I walked into the doors, and Shauna was the first to hug me. She started screeching,
and once she cried, I cried.
Then, first period, which was math, I walked into the classroom to see IAN crying.
Ian. He's kind of a prick, so it was so strange to see him bawl like a baby.
A lot of other people were crying, too, people I never thought I'd see cry, and I
couldn't help myself when the teacher began.
And in the middle of it, I turned around and saw my good friend, Travis crying.
Travis and Sarah were inseperable. In. Fucking. Sep. Er. Ab. Le. There was no such
thing as breaking those two apart.
So, when I saw Travis walking down the hall today by himself, I thought to myself,
Sarah should be by his side, poking at him, like she usually is.
There was a lot of counselling going on in school today, and there were a bunch of
chairs set up in the library in a circle, where people could sit and share memories.
And the memories that were shared were beautiful.
After school, I went to Kristen's house with Shauna. We tried to be in a happy mood,
for Sarah, but it was so fake.
Anyway, that night was the viewing of Sarah's body. Kristen's grandparents agreed to
take us to see it.
I didn't think it would be that bad, but when I walked into the funeral home, I knew
I couldn't handle it.
It was the first time seeing a dead person, let alone a classmate. Too much for me.
There was a wall between us three girls and the casket, and we had to go through an
entrance to see it.
As soon as Shauna got close to the entrance, she started freaking out, screaming "I
can't do this! I can't!"
So, basically, I spent most of my time there holding my two best friends and telling
them that things would get better as they cried their eyes out.
I saw Sarah's body, and I was so shocked, I couldn't even cry. I just stood there,
finally knowing that she was gone.
It didn't even look like her. Her face... it was too pale for words. She had stitch
marks under her left eye, and across her lips, which were so chapped.
She was dressed in the same clothes she wore to school sometimes, and her nails were
still painted a bright orange that she'd worn the last time I saw her.
Her monroe piercing was taken out, and... as peaceful as she looked, it wasn't
It wasn't Sarah. It was a fake, porcelain doll.
I still could not cry. I just couldn't. I kept standing there, rubbing my friend's
backs, waiting for Sarah's stomach to move, to show that she was breathing.
I waited for her eyes to open, for her to smile her beautiful smile. I waited, and
waited. For something. Anything.
Finally, Kristen and Shauna couldn't stay there anymore. They had to leave.
On our way back, the truck was silent. It was such a disturbing silence.
I texted both of my best friends and told them that I loved them. (We have a habit of
doing that, ever since Sarah passed, because we didn't tell her that we loved her
When I got back home, I cried so fucking hard. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and
I finally let my feelings loose.
They came spilling out all over my face in big heaps of tears, and all over my shirt.
I hate the pain I, and everyone else is feeling.
I want it to stop. I want Travis to have his best friend back. I want our classroom
to have its personality back. I want everything to be normal again.
Tonight, by a mile, is the worst night of my life.
We all miss you so much Sarah. Please come back. <3