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This diary entry is written by ‹Emma Bear›. ( View all entries )
 
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Slinet LifeCategory: (general)
Thursday, 16 July 2009
11:25:38 PM (GMT)
Crystal looks at him, the man who was supposed to be her father.  She gets
another blow to the face. As he picks me up and throws me in my room and lock it, I
cry banging on the door to be let out. I give up and I curl in a ball and fall
asleep. When I get up in the morning my door is open. I get up and got to the shower.
My clothes lay there with my shoes. I take a quick shower to get the blood off. When
I’m done I quickly put on my clothes then brush my teeth. When I got out into the
kitchen my dad is their smiling reading the newspaper. I say hi then I grab my
backpack. When I was half way out the door my dad gets up and hugs me goodbye. I wave
then I go outside to the curve and wait for the bus.

As I wait a guy comes to stand by me and smile. I turn to him and say 

Crystal: Hey, What are you doing here?

Guy. Hey I’m Austin, I just moved here, Right beside your house and I saw you
standing out here and I decided to come and keep you company.

Crystal: Hey Austin I’m Crystal, Oh I haven’t notice, that’s nice of you.

The bus pulls up. Austin goes on and sits out back. Crystal sits out front. The
driver picks up other kids then he drives to school. When the bus stops Crystal gets
off first and hurries to her locker. When she gets her binder she heads to homeroom.
She sits out back. Austin comes and scans the room. When he sees Crystal he goes and
sit in the empty seat next to her. Crystal had headphones and she didn’t notice he
was there. He saw that her sleeve was up and he saw all the bruises on her arm. He
looks at her face. Her eyes were black and her lip was bruise. He gently touches her
arm. She jumps. She pulls her sleeve down and walked away.  

Comments 
‹Mad♥Hatter♥Love› says:   17 July 2009   615518  
This is a great story. You might want to stick to the same point of
view, though.

You started off in third person, then you went to first person. And
then you went back to third. Also, you might want to try putting it
like this,

"Hey, What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Hey I’m Austin, I just moved here, Right beside your house and I
saw you
standing out here and I decided to come and keep you company," the boy
said. 

"Hey Austin I’m Crystal, Oh I haven’t notice, that’s nice of
you," Crystal said. Or, if you go with first person; I said. 

Just a few suggestions.
 
‹Emma Bear› says :   17 July 2009   956615  
Thanks
 

 
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