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This diary entry is written by accidentallygay. ( View all entries )
 
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THIS IS MECategory: (general)
Saturday, 21 March 2009
05:02:47 AM (GMT)
S-T-E-P-H-E-N

Sinner. At the base of all humanity, so are we all. But I can’t escape the fact
that I AM A SINNER, and that my sin separates me from God. For the past several
years, I’ve been trying to bridge that gap between God and me, but my sin just
keeps broadening it.

Trusting (and Trustworthy). Perhaps one of my more fundamental flaws but also one of
my greatest strengths is my incredible trust in those I’m close to (and often my
trust of those I’m NOT all that close to). I often trust without a second thought,
laying open my life and its deepest, darkest secrets, heedless of the consequences.
More to the point, I am trustworthy. Not always in the finishing chores sense, or the
my son doesn’t lie sense, but I can be trusted to be loyal. I hold fast to my
friends, and I don’t let go without a fight. I struggle, I [attempt] to guide
(though more often it is I who am in need of guidance), I dig into the lives of those
who trust me; discomfort is inconsequential. If you want to trust me, and want the
same in return, I demand to know you, I have to know the core of your very being.

Evolving. I can’t escape this; as much as I hate change, I have to admit that I
myself change. My relationship with God changes sporadically; one day I may be close,
the next, distant. I fall in and out of love; this results in the fear of causing
pain. There are so many changes I go through, spiritually and emotionally, that I
cannot even keep up with myself anymore.

Passionate. This is probably the most true of me. Whether it be thrills of
hyperactivity resulting from caffeine or some other such stimulant in the presence of
friends; whether it be nearly uncontrollable bouts of lust that I regret later;
whether it be frenzied sessions of gluttony, gorging myself on the foods that most
entice me; or, most powerful of all, the indescribable feeling of closeness to God
that I experience when I open my heart and truly worship Him — passion really is
what I live for. My every moment is desire for passions, and when they come, I relish
the precious seconds I spend with them.

Hypocrite. I often find myself the willing ‘victim’ of practices I publicly
condemn.

Emotional. Yes, it’s true, my emotions rule me; almost every decision I make is
based off of how I feel at the time. This does not make me ‘emo’, however.

Nostalgic. Passions and emotions may rule me, but yearning for the past (and
desperation to change many of its events) is an uncontrollable trait. I can’t help
it; my decisions, both good and bad, have shaped me into the person I am today, but
is that a good thing?

Comments 
‹Let You Fall For Every Empty Word I Say› says :   21 March 2009   884747  
wow. you are really good with words.
 

 
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