Thursday, 18 August 2016
02:14:39 AM (GMT)
My boyfriend and I were going out for a year and 3 months. It was a long distance
relationship, but it had been going well despite that up until the last month or so.
I slowly started losing interest in my hobbies, as he became more and more interested
in his. This meant he began spending less time focusing on me during the time I
needed his attention most. We began growing emotionally distant in our conversations,
outside the physical distance between us. It felt cold, uninteresting, like we
couldn't be bothered to hold a conversation with each other.
Eventually I asked if we could take a break from talking for a few days. I wanted to
see if saving up events to talk about would result in longer conversations. It did
nothing though. Then, I requested a break from our relationship. I just wanted a few
days to myself where I could flirt with other people and see if any of it felt more
fulfilling. I texted him to see how he was doing, and he assumed I was done having my
break. We talked for a few hours that day and mutually decided to break up.
The break up ended in tears, but at least it was peaceful. For a few days at least.
Then he missed me and I missed him, but I wasn't ready to jump back into it yet, so I
told him we could try going slow. However, I quickly grew impatient, feeling that he
was going too slow. Like he didn't care whether we actually got back together
or not because he wouldn't flirt with me or anything. And so, I told him off for it.
In doing so, I really only made things worse for myself. He said he didn't know what
I wanted from him, and it escalated into us saying we had to be done and stay that
way. This breakup was much more messy, much more scary, and I cried for a much longer
time. Then, repetitive times during this period, we had long, emotional talks about
our feelings. Mostly these consisted of me crying while trying to convince him that I
had messed everything up and I just wanted to be together again. He always replied
saying he couldn't handle a relationship, or he couldn't handle the long distance
again, or he thought we would be better staying apart, or even that maybe we could be
together if we still had feelings in the future. Finally I really just broke down on
him, and he said he didn't think he could ever go back. I asked him to block me for a
few days so I could calm myself.
After almost a week passed by, I messaged him again. I was much calmer and much more
composed, having forced myself to acknowledge that he didn't want me anymore. I was
doing better at keeping civil conversation, and I hadn't tried to make him want me
again. Just the other day, he texted me at 3 in the morning (4 in his time), just to
talk. When I replied 2 hours later, he was still awake. It started off as a normal
conversation, and then he called me one of our old nicknames and I told him he can't
do that because it reminded me to much. He asked me how I was doing with the breakup
stuff. I explained to him that I was doing okay when I managed to push it out of my
mind. I told him I had thought about him a lot the day before; he said his Saturday
(Sad-urday) had gone the same way. I told him I wished it didn't hurt so much and
that I was sorry. Suddenly he was venting to me about wishing he knew what he wanted
or recognized what he felt. About how, all the times he had said he didn't want to be
with me before, he couldn't figure out if he really meant it.
He told me he missed me and he was sorry things went the way they did, sorry he had
said things that hurt me so deeply, sorry for breaking me apart inside. He felt like
he was falling apart. Part of him wanted to be with me, but part of him was scared of
hurting or hurting me, and he couldn't tell how big either of those pieces of him
were. I told him to think about it. Of course I wanted him back, I had been dying to
have him back. He was everything I wanted and more. I would've given almost anything
for him to be mine again. But, I cared about his health more than my own, so I told
him to think about it. I didn't want him dragged into the relationship as a situation
he would be uncomfortable with, especially for my own selfish reasons. I told him I
loved him, that I was here for him, and that I was willing to try again if he was.
He wanted to try again.
Now, we're back together; we have been for 3 days now. We're both happy, even though
my mind sometimes flashes back to the things he said that were hurtful. I'm trying to
get over them, and I think that with time, I will be able to. Until then, i'm content
to just be lovey and affectionate with the person I love while I can. It just goes to
show that the old saying is true: "If you love someone, let them go. If they don't
come back, they were never yours. If they do come back to you though, it's meant to