Monday, 12 September 2011
12:45:52 PM (GMT)
It's time to get serious, we don't have any more time to waste.
I know that she has been through a lot, and change isn't going to happen over night,
but I can't sit around while she beats herself up inside every single day.
She is ashamed of who she is, how she looks, how she thinks.
She is ashamed of the fact that I think she is perfect, and she doesn't think she can
live up to the expectations.
Perfection doesn't mean you do everything right, that you are the happiest person in
the world, that you don't have flaws or things that eat you up inside.
Perfection doesn't mean you have money, or freedom, or fancy things.
Perfection doesn't mean you act like every fake teenage bitch, wearing ugg boots and
booty shorts whether it's 90 outside or 50.
Perfection doesn't mean you are perfect in your eyes.
Perfection means you are perfect in mine.
To me, it means that I find every single quality I wanted in a woman, in you, Jesse.
I wouldn't change a single thing about you, even the things that bother you, because
I know that we will share them equally and get past them together.
I KNOW THIS.
A lot of what I wrote in that last diary is wrong.
You do help me, you don't live a lifestyle that increases my worry.
If you wanted, you could go to parties, do drugs, cut, drink, binge, purge, not
answer my calls or txts, you could hang out with other guys every day, you could go
to your friends' houses and just happen to forget your charger.
You think about me, and you take my feelings into consideration with everything that
I appreciate it more than you know, and I try my best to live a life that will help
I stay at home a lot.
Partially because I don't want you to have to drive yourself insane like I do, and
partially because time with others seems much less appealing now.
Yeah, I have friends, but when I am around them, the conversations are then about
beer, games, or how they are single and looking to have sex with some random girl.
The intellectual conversations have all but gone out the window.
I feel wanted, I have fun sometimes, but I don't feel loved. I don't feel needed.
I don't feel as if everything in the world is perfect.
I feel that with you, and somehow nothing else really even remotely appeals to me
When I was single and looking for a girl to be with, I had a lot of things in mind.
I wanted someone smart, not some stupid high school chick that thinks being a
waitress or stripper will get them places in life, or at least get them enough money
to get that new Gucci purse.
You are the most intelligent young woman I have ever met.
It has nothing to do with grades, of which yours are amazing.
I can tell.
You are smarter than me, in book smarts and common sense.
You have so many intelligent opinions on every subject, and I can literally talk to
you about anything for hours on end without hitting something that you don't know or
aren't interested in.
You are going places in life, you are going to help more people than most could ever
dream of. I am sure of this.
I wanted someone who didn't conform to the rest of our generation.
You wear jeans and t-shirts, just like me, and I love it.
You don't try to impress anyone.
You don't buy $100 in makeup every month, and cake it on to hide your insecurities.
You don't bleach your hair blonde, go to the tanning bed every day, get your nails
done, and wear clothes that let your boobs and ass hang out.
You are gorgeous, in a modest way, and I love it.
You don't have a cellphone glued to your ears, or send 20,000 texts every day.
You don't just listen to pop and rap and think that all other music is just "dumb".
You have expectations from yourself, whether you realize it or not, and you don't
give yourself away to every immature asshole that comes along saying he is in love,
when he is really just a little boy who is in love with the idea of having sex with
You don't fall for that bullshit, and you never will.
You are different, and you know it, and I couldn't see myself being with anyone
I wanted someone who was artistic, creative.
You are musical, you play many instruments, we have a similar musical interest that
covers many very different genres.
You find a little bit of good in everything you listen to, I can tell.
You are the most artistic young woman I have met, and you have so much talent in
everything that you do.
Your creations are truly amazing, your ability to draw the images that pop into your
head is something I envy greatly.
It is scary how good you are at so many things.
Everything you do, you are good at. One person shouldn't have this much talent in so
It's not fair to other people :P
I wanted someone who isn't afraid to be outside, to get dirty, to work hard.
You've lived on a farm, working with cows, horses and other animals as long as you
You've been doing farm work since a young age.
You love being out in nature, exploring the world and all it's beauty.
You love the freedom of the open air, and you sure as hell aren't worried about
breaking a nail or getting your new jeans dirty.
I wanted someone with an open mind.
You are open to any opinion, even if you don't agree with it.
You offer yours, but don't force it on anyone.
You are willing to change to become a better person, and I have seen that in the
short time I have known you.
You don't accept that science or religion has answers to everything, because they
don't, and you question the nature of everything around you.
Just like me.
I wanted someone caring, honest, loving.
You have shown me more of that in the past two months than I have been exposed to my
I see it in your eyes.
You would never lie to me.
You would never cheat on me.
You would never let some guy take advantage of you, ever.
I am always with you, in your heart and mind, and even if you wanted to, you don't
have the ability to get me off your mind long enough to be with someone else.
I know this.
You make me feel perfect.
When I am with you, I feel handsome, I feel strong.
I feel loved.
You comfort me, even though the guy is supposed to be the strong, independent one.
It seems like it is the other way around.
I try to be there for you, but you end up helping me far more than you know.
The last thing I cared about when looking for a woman was how they looked.
Your beauty came down upon me like the arrows from a thousand warriors, piercing my
brain, and remaining in the my thoughts for the rest of my days.
I see such a unique quality about you, there are honestly no words for it.
I wish I could give you my eyes as a gift, so you could see yourself as I see you,
and realize how truly amazing you are.
I have never seen anyone in the world that looks like you, acts like you, dresses
Almost every girl these days tries to imitate someone's style, and it seems like they
go for the fake, slutty, superficial look that makes me vomit.
You are so different.
You are organic, natural, simply beautiful.
YOU ARE YOU
Your dark hair, your brown eyes that flicker with hints of green in the morning
Your freckles, your ears, your perfectly natural lips begging me to come in for a
Your smile, though you try to hide it, twitches in anxiety to show itself when I am
Your neck, where I can put my magical man-powers to work.
With just a kiss there, I can put a stop to any thought, any word, and emotion you
might be feeling other than passion and love.
From here down to your legs is a bit of a personal matter, but to me is the epitome
of your beauty.
Your curves, your slender frame, your perfect skin, the images that haunt my thoughts
I can take your innocence, your insecurity, and transform it into trust, passion and
We share what no others do, and I don't feel the need to explain here because you
Your legs, so strong, yet thin.
You can expect a foot rub every day when you get home from work.
I know, I am an awesome boyfriend.
Your scars, the one part of you that disturbed me, the one part I wanted to change,
has come to grow on me.
I LOVE YOUR SCARS
I love that you used to cut, simply because the word "used" is in there.
You will never cut again, though your brain has yet to accept it.
Fuck your brain.
You can think whatever you want, but if you don't give in to your thoughts, then it
But we will change it, over time, together.
I have the most beautiful woman in the world, and nobody can change my mind, not even
Nobody in the world has such a unique, natural beauty.
It radiates from you like a small sun, though you never try to put it out for the
world to see.
You couldn't hide it if you tried.
I had a pretty good idea of the kind of woman I wanted, but I found in you more than
I could have ever imagined.
You love video games, you love marvel comics, you love kids movies, you are a nerd
(), you love ren faires, you like to drink on occasion, you are selfless, you
battle with unseen demons every day of your life, you talk to angels, you are a
gateway between this world and the one of the spirits, you are random, you make me
smile, I am a foot taller than you, you wear chucks, you write love on your arms, you
have made it through every single trial the world has thrown at you, you don't see
pot as a drug, you let me borrow your Big Bang Theory DVDS, you stay at my house and
experiment with me, you love Nutella, you can always make me laugh, you bring out the
funny random kid in me, you call me a german woman, you call me "Sunshine", you are a
very talented writer, you love to read, you get easily distracted, my family
absolutely loves you, you are friendly and talk to everyone around you, you want to
raise foster kids, you want to travel the world, you can't wait to be old and sit on
the front porch in rocking chairs, you are completely excited about the simple joys
of a seemingly ordinary life, but we will make it extraordinary.
This isn't even the tip of the iceberg.
These things are just a snowflake falling from the sky to land on the tip.
As a single man, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted in a woman.
You came into my life, so mysteriously, so quietly, and proceeded to shatter every
expectation with the power of Thor.
I will never find another woman, I will never want another woman or be attracted to
To me, other woman only exist as people, as friends, as reminders to how amazing you
are and how they could never even compare.
I wanted a woman who had her own dreams, goals, ambitions, but would be willing to
travel the world together, get married, have kids, settle back down in a quiet
country house, raise our children the way our parents should have, own a farm, have
careers, but also write books, music, explore things, go ghost hunting, never stop
learning, grow old and have grandchildren to spoil.
I have found that woman,
ten times over.
A hundred times over.
A MILLION TIMES OVER
Things take time.
Scars need time to heal, but they all fade eventually.
I know we will work on this together, but I have had enough.
It is time you realized how perfect you are to me, and though this diary will never
come close to doing it justice, I will MAKE you realize it when I see you.
I will send the comfort, the peace, the love, through every part of your body,
casting the doubt out.
I will remind you how amazing we are together, and that our life is going to shatter
We will help people.
We will grow as individuals.
We will help make this world better, even if we only help one person.
We will make a difference.
Then, when our time is up, we will leave the world together and start the next
chapter of our great adventure.
I don't know about you, but I can't freakin' wait.
Though you have things that haunt you, that prevent you from having the peace you
deserve, you are PERFECT to me.
And you always will be.
It's only a matter of time before these thoughts are gone.
As long as you trust me, we will get past this.
You will always be my Firefly.
I love you, Jesse.
DON'T EVER FORGET IT
It's time to pull up my sleeves and get to work.
It may take a while, but I am starting now and never holding back.
We will get through this.
Through my problems and yours, together, as one.
I love you to death, but these thoughts have to go.
We can't live a normal life with them interfering with what we have for each other.
It's time to have peace.
It's time to be loved.
It's time to realize how amazing this life is.
I ain't playing around.
I can change more than you know, and you already have realized that.
It's time to stop wasting time.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH
Last edited: 12 September 2011