Wednesday, 22 June 2011
02:44:09 AM (GMT)
My story isn't anything different or special or life changing, so if you're looking
for that, keep going. This is a story of boys and moving and an eating disorder. Not
very original. If you do decide to read it however, well, thanks.
I’ve always been seriously happy and optimistic. Even throughout all of this,
I’ve somehow managed to keep positive in SOMETHING. I do however miss the days when
I found something positive in everything. Right now I’m struggling with bulimia.
Because of someone extremely special, I’m working to recover. It’s so difficult
though. I don’t want to recover. I like my eating disorder. Sure, it’s kinda
hell, but it’s a part of me and the only thing that’s really happened in my life
that’s… interesting? I’m not trying to seem attention seeking. I didn’t do
this for attention. I did this because I generally
thought think I’m fat.
Even though you can clearly see my collarbones, and my thighs don’t cross even when
my ankles do. I’m still not thin enough. I need to become smaller. My eating
disorder started right after I moved. The girls at my new school are just so petite
and perfect. One of them is a dancer. Her body is perfect. She’s got blonde hair
and blue eyes. I swear, she’s an angel. That was my first trigger. The second was
right after an eating contest with one of my best friends. A freaking EATING contest.
I used to eat a ton. That’s when I realized my eating wasn’t normal. No teenage
girl ate that much. I never gained weight, though. I had a bit of fat on my stomach,
and my thighs did touch at that point. I used to think I was beautiful… Anyway,
right after that I found Tumblr. Right after that, I found the thinspo blogs. I
became addicted to them. The pictures, the tips, the everything. I lived off it. I
would spend hours on end scrolling through that while munching on bags of chips.
Whole bags. I remember the night I threw up for the first time. I’d devoured a
thing of cookie dough, a 2L of pop, a bag of popcorn, and was working on a bag of
salt and vinegar chips. I was also scrolling through a pro-mia blog. I finished the
bag of chips and felt so gross and full. I felt like if I did throw up right then,
it’d be so easy. So I did. I went into my bathroom and stuck my toothbrush down my
throat until I was empty. I’d never felt so accomplished. It’s sick, isn’t it?
In two weeks, I’d lost 13 pounds. I was at a BMI of 18.6, just over being
underweight. That’s when Cade* noticed. I went over to his house for a night of
disney movies. I also hadn’t seen him for a week. His first words to me? “You
look like a skeleton.” I didn’t, really, but I guess dropping 7 pounds in a week
when you were already pretty small to begin with is noticeable. I shrugged it off and
we started watching Lion King. About halfway through, he offered me popcorn. I
refused, knowing that if I ate it I’d half to go throw it up. He looked at me
suspiciously and returned to the movie. After, he offered to make pizza. Again, I
denied, even though he makes the most amazing pizza. He made some anyway, knowing I
couldn’t refuse. I’m so weak. We started onto Lion King 2 and the timer saying it
was done went off, so he went to get some and came back with a piece for me, even
though I’d said I wasn’t hungry. I put it on the coffee table, but the smell was
intoxicating. I ate it, and then went to the bathroom. Apparently I took to long.
When I walked out, he was standing there, looking heartbroken. I broke down in tears.
So did he. Did I mention I was in love with him at the time? He is the sweetest guy I
know. Too bad I found out about a month later he was gay… So that’s how he found
out. Wow. I used a lot of detail on that. I’m predicting this is going to be long.
After that I felt slightly embarrassed and stupid. I’d heard of people who kept
their secret for years. I vowed then to hide it as best I could. Of course, it’s
hard to do when the boy you love keeps trying to make sure you eat. You know, even
though I know he’s gay now (I’ve even seen him and his boyfriend together.
They’re so cute.) I’m still not fully over it, which makes me feel guilty because
I now have a boyfriend. That brings me to part deux of my story.
I met James* shortly before I found out Cade is gay. He slipped his number in my
history textbook after walking me to class. After I found out that Cade was gay, I
texted James. No point dwelling in my misery. I’ve never been a good dweller. We
went to a cute little cafe with pancakes in the shapes of cartoon characters and then
to wal-mart. We kissed in a tent. He asked me out at a skating rink a few days later
and that’s when we officially started going out. James is amazing. He’s sweet and
thoughtful and funny. We’ve been dating for like, four months now. He found out a
week ago. About my eating disorder. We got drunk and I told him. He told my brother.
And my brother actually cared, which surprises me considering he always acts so..
cold. So now Cade, James and Spencer* are trying to get me better. It kinda sucks
‘cause when I’m not at school or with friends, Spencer is watching me, and I’m
ususally with either Cade or James so there is really no escaping having to try and
get better. I’ve started cutting. One cut for every time I eat and can’t throw it
up. It’s stupid, but it makes me feel better.
…So that’s my story. Thanks if you actually read all of this <3
*Names have been changed
Last edited: 22 June 2011