Thursday, 8 September 2011
09:12:52 PM (GMT)
Every night since we broke up, I’ve had to wrap my arms around my body and pretend
that someone was holding me, just so that I could fall asleep. Last night was the
first time that I didn’t. Before I went to bed, I told myself that if I was ever
going to get over you, I needed to stop imagining doing couple-like things with you.
That I should stop imagining that we were still together. Let’s just say, it took
me a very long time to get to sleep last night. But I did it. Which makes me think;
maybe I’m on my way to feeling better about this whole thing. Now, I’m not one
to rush into saying “I love you”. Actually, I find it annoying.
But every time I told you I loved you, I meant it. With all of my heart, and soul,
and body, I loved you. You see, you weren’t just my boyfriend. You were my best
friend. And, it was the same with you. We were perfect together. Your friends
called me a keeper. You called me a keeper.
You posted on my wall almost every day, calling me beautiful. You left me voice mail
when you knew I’d be asleep, so that I’d find it in the morning when I woke up.
You adopted my unicorn pillow pet as your son and named him Kennedy without me even
suggesting it. You called me squiddy. You never pressured me to do anything I
didn’t want to do. You wrote me notes with doodles all over them, and did stupid
things just to make me laugh.
You never judged me for making mistakes. Remember the time Megan and I did the
stupidest thing ever and had baby bottles full of four loko at school? And you made
me give you the bottle so you could dump it out because you didn’t want me getting
into trouble? Yeah, I think that may be one of the most caring things any guy has
ever done for me.
I remember one day in particular. It was raining REALLY hard outside. We were
sitting right inside, next to the door, watching the rain. “I really wanna play in
that rain. That rain is just calling out to me to play in it.” I remember telling
you. That’s about when you did the greatest thing ever in my eyes. For a moment,
you just sat there next to me and looked at me, smiling. But then, you stood up, took
my hand and led me out into the pouring rain. And then…you danced with me.
That’s not even the best part. At one point, you stopped. Right there, in the
middle of the back parking lot of Westwood High School, in the pouring rain, you
picked me up off the ground, spun me around, and kissed me.
Not just any kiss. You know how in the movies, in the big kiss scene, when the guy
gets the girl, and they realize that they belong together, and then they kiss and
there are fireworks and it’s just magical and all is right and everything in the
world is just peachy and wonderful and fantastic? That’s how it felt.
It was perfect. It was exactly how I had imagined the moment I’d fall in love, ever
since I was a little, little girl. Almost as if you had looked through my brain and
found it there, in with the rest of my hopes and dreams. You made me feel like I was
different from all the other girls in the world. Like I wasn’t just another girl
What I didn’t imagine is that it would end the way it did. We don’t even speak
anymore. Not only did I lose possibly the greatest relationship I’ll ever be in,
but the day that it ended, I also lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had. And
now, we act as though we don’t even know each other.
You ruined me. You raised my expectations high, made me think that I was
“special”. Made me feel like I deserved what you had given me. And now, nobody
is good enough. I can’t help but feel like nobody will ever be able to make me as
happy as you did. Nobody is like you. None of them. All of the guys I’ve dated
since you can barely keep my interest. They have nothing interesting to talk about.
They bore me, and there’s always something wrong with them. Actually, it’s
because I’m too picky. But, who can blame me? I’m repulsed by people who were
once attractive to me. And I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like this:
We fell for each other. And then you got up. And now, here I am, on the ground, with
nobody to help me up, and I just really don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to
do now, I really don’t.