Sunday, 11 April 2010
11:04:53 PM (GMT)
I know this week I’ve made a mountain out of a molehill, everything’s taken care
of now. Even though everything turned out fine, my worry, my pain, my troubles,
those still occurred and were very real. I’m sure you all have been through hard
times, regardless of how they ended this is the similarity I’m working with so
please don’t get off topic and focus on what’s different. Here’s the story.
If Aly gets mad for my posting this then I’ll be so happy because that would mean
she’s read it.
About a week ago we began a misunderstanding. I thought she was avoiding me because
of something that had happened, she thought I was upset because of something she’d
done so she was afraid to talk to me, either way this misunderstanding was born and
grew quickly. The fact that it was a misunderstanding does not mean it was any less
difficult of a time for me or her while it was going on, please keep this in mind.
During it I had no idea what to say or what to do, I was so so afraid of saying the
wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.
When we finally spoke (mostly me talking and her.. not talking) I was a wreck. I
thought something big had happened and that she was depressed because she’d let me
down, regardless that she knows I love her dearly no matter what, she felt she’d
let me down somehow and I wasn’t telling her.
I was so anxious over our (VERY) slow conversation that when it was time for dinner
I could not eat. I was shaking and my stomach hurt and I just wanted it to be over
because the guessing and uncertainty was the worst part. So, as you can guess where
I’m going with this, I prayed. A lot. Almost every moment I was waiting for her
replies I was praying. Believe me or not, things were answered.
Needless to say, this was a time of great uncertainty for me. A time where things
could go very badly very quickly, but I made sure that I kept in mind that regardless
of how this conversation went, regardless of how it ended God has both of us in the
palm of his hand. And it is especially in our dark times that he may do the greatest
things in us and perform his greatest changes in us.
Along with everything we discussed, Aly asked me “why me”. This is in response
to a lot that I said, and I think the part that best sums it all up was at the end.
I said “I am petrified of losing you”.
So, since we have a history of me trying to speak to her about God and her… not
enjoying me speaking about God, I gave her the best answer I could without directly
mentioning Him. But needless to say EVERYTHING I had to say was from my experiences
with His word.
This applies to her as well as to a lot of other people who know me. I say “Why
not you?” I’ve been in the boat, I practically lived in it. How could anyone
love me? We see all of our own mistakes and short comings and greed and we tend to
feel that if only they knew what I’d done, they would not love me. And so, they
love me only because of ignorance.
I tell you the truth. This is in honesty and humility as best as I have ever given.
We love because He first loved us. We forgive because He first forgave us. And who
are we to say that we need not love and need not forgive when the Lord of all has
done that for us? I tell you the truth. NO ONE DESERVES LOVE OR FORGIVENESS. It
is a GIFT, a gift that we are all offered, a gift that many of us have received and
are still receiving every moment of every day! Aly my dear sister I love you because
God has given me the gift of His own love, and the ability to express His love to
I do not love out of a sense of duty, as if I am forced or that I feel obligation.
I love because I do, and I do because God has given it to me. Just as he wishes to
give it to you.
Do not see this love and think of your own undeserving. Think instead of praise to
a God who knows you. You, whoever reading this are loved dearly by Him and he knows
you more intimately than you yourself. And in seeing all that you are, have been and
will be there is nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He sees your worst
and loves you all the same.
There is NOTHING you can do to earn God’s love nor his gift of an eternal life
with Him. So quit acting as if he doesn’t know of your undeserving.
Aly, you are a sinner in need of a savior. Just like me. All sin is equal and all
people have sinned. All will fall short time and time again. Do not dare place me
even a speck of sand above yourself. It is all self-centeredness. If you placed
anyone or everyone above yourself or even if you went so far as to worship another
person, you are still acting as if you are the center. Why? Because you use
yourself as a reference to how high that other person is. When we all should see
ourselves and one another as God does. As beautiful children, who may fall often but
thankfully it is not by our own power that we are to succeed but by God’s power
through us. Just as there is nothing we can do to earn his love or his gift.
If you think there even may be the slightest chance that what I have said is true,
then on the chance that God exists you owe it to Him to seek Him out. And if you
have confirmed in your heart that He is very real, I tell you the truth as I have
this whole time that you will find peace and joy in THIS life, you will live life to
the fullest in THIS life TODAY if you lay your old self down into the tomb of his
son. For the old is dead and gone and the new has come.
I repeat myself a lot and I apologize but this is very, very important. If you know
God as your savior today then it is to be the cry of your heart to know Him better
and to serve to further spread His gifts. And if you do not know Him today, please
believe, no one can prove it without doubt, that is part of its very design that you
must take a step of faith, to believe without seeing yet. I tell you the truth that
while I once did not see I now do and everything has been thoroughly and adequately
explained. It is all tested and it is true.
Alexandra, you say that you cannot believe. And it may not be today that you do, nor
tomorrow, but the reason I am here is so that God may show his love to you through
me, granted I throw a lot of my own in there mostly the cuddles. This is to
forgive regardless, to love regardless, and to pine for what is best for you. For
you to be joyful and to live life to the fullest today. Amen I say to you that one
day you will believe and then you will see and you will never wish to go back.
Last edited: 23 April 2010