Monday, 22 March 2010
01:23:21 PM (GMT)
Elderado Dingbatti - The Man and the Legend.
Those of you who have read Coping with Parents will know only too well that
Elderado was one of my team of experts. For those of you who have not read Coping
with Parents I should tell you that Elderado was one of my team of experts.
There. Now we all know who he is. I will also now mention at this point that his
contribution to that book could be summed up in two words. But instead I'll just say
that he contributed nothing. In fact I had hoped never to see him again. Indeed, I
had not expected to see him again, certainly not so soon. I had no idea he was out.
He explained, over a mug of hot Coca-cola in a back street mission, that he had been
moved from the High Security Holiday Camp for the Criminally Insane to a "half-way"
hostel, recently set up in a disused "Toys-Я-Us". He was making great progress, he
told me. His social worker was very pleased with him. He hadn't killed anyone for,
"How can I help you, Melvin?" he ased. He never did get the hang of my name. To be
honest, I wasn't sure that he could. And I was about to tell him so, when I eard a
mouth that turned out to be mine say: "Surveillance equipment". Well, this turned out
to be a magic phrase. Surveillance equipment was obviously something that excited
Elderado greatly. That much was clear immediately. What was less obvious immediately
was the fact that he knew absolutely nothing about it.
However we arranged to meet up later that night, up a tree. Yes. That's right. I did
write "up" a tree. Not "by" a tree, or "near" a tree. "Less conspicious," Elderado
said. No-one would suspect us of being engaged in anything underhand. No! He was
right there! Any passer-by would think we were simply mad, and in his case, they'd be
right! How on earth did they let him out? What story did he tell them to convince
them that he should be allowed to move unhindered among an unsuspecting public?
Choosing words carefully ( after all, even if he did think I was a decent sort
of bloke, he was the homicidal maniac), I asked him. His reply, if I heard him
correctly, astounded me. I say "if I heard him correctly" because a passing squrrel
chose that moment to stuff his nuts in my ear. But I believe he said that the reason
he was released was because he had exposed a deep desire to become a TEACHER! Yes! He
did! A TEACHER! And WHAT IS MORE, THEY LET HIM OUT! I know there's a teacher
shortage, but that's taking things a little too far, isn't it? To say that I was
flabbergasted is an understatement. I nearly fell out of the tree. If it hadn't been
for the courting couple on the bench below I would've done. Where was he hoping to
teach? I asked him.
"In a private school," he replied. Ah. Perhaps he isn't so mad after all!
You know what? Peter Corey makes me laugh so hard c:
Last edited: 22 March 2010