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This diary entry is written by ‹***そら***のあなたはだいき›. ( View all entries )
 
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Just......BlahCategory: (general)
Saturday, 20 March 2010
06:07:56 AM (GMT)
Hahaha.... Rainbows....

Um. Anyways...

Every morning, I've been waking up more exhausted and feeling dead. I've asked myself
how and why. I try to come up with answers; some don't make sense, some are just too
fucking stupid, some just freak me out. Not that they're bad. 

Just.........weird. 

Like, take this morning for example. 

I woke up at around seven am, opening my eyes to a pulsating darkness. My head ached,
my eyes burned, and my face was heavy. 'What the fuck...? Morning already? I just
wanna go back to sleep...' That's what was rolling around in my muddled brain. 

And, I laid my head back down and slept awhile longer. As I did so, I thought about
why I might be tired. I got up and got ready for school at seven fifty-two, left for
the bus at eight o five, almost missed it. 

But I kept thinking about why I would be so exhausted that I couldn't concentrate.
Just thinking and thinking, not paying any attention to the teachers or lectures or
readings or anything, really. And you know what I came up with?

Dreams. I don't know what I dream about, but as I thought more about it (realizing
that my dace was not only heavy but wet around the yes) I guess I must have cried
about something. But I can't remember the dreams! It's like, what the fuck! 

I was probably dreaming about death and despair. Ooo-hoo-ooo-hoo. Big fuckin' whoop.
Why is that something I'd cry over? Unless...I dreamt about someone I REALLY REALLY
REALLY care about was murdered in some brutal way like getting bludgeoned. Other than
that, the bullshit blah-blah-blah I theorized, I have no fucking clue why I'd be so
exhausted and why my face would be wet around the eyes. 

And you know what's funny. It's been going on for almost a month now. 

I doubt it's school that's fucking with my head. As if class and everyone's bullshit
would really affect me. Ha. As if it's all that important. 

But maybe...maybe it's because, in my subconscious, I'm desperately hoping for
something. Or maybe I'm scared to death about something. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I
don't know. I just don't know. 

What I DO know is that I'm probably in love again. With who? How should I know?
Probably him again. Or my mom could be right and I'm in love with my best friend.
Agh! Dammit. I don't wanna be. I hate being in love. It fucking sucks. Because
whenever I am, I guess I get all... I don't think 'obsessive' is a good word for
this. No. A better phrase would be that whenever I'm in love, the person I'm in love
is ALWAYS on my mind. It drives me crazy. Not that it's a bad thing. But sometimes I
decide to do things as if that person is helpin me make the decision or like, 'What
would he/she say if I say/did this?' 

But dammit. Now I'm SURE I'm in love again. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I don't
wanna be...

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