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This diary entry is written by Kablammo_Dude. ( View all entries )
 
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The way I amCategory: (general)
Sunday, 11 September 2011
11:50:15 AM (GMT)
I hate it.
I always will.
Sometimes I wish I could convince her to leave me, so she doesn't have to see the bad
side of me.
She doesn't need to have to deal with my problems.
She knows that, I know that.
My brain will NEVER shut up, unless she is in my arms.
I will never stop worrying.
Those antidepressants fucked up my mind worse than I thought, and far worse than she
thinks.
It is absolutely impossible to relax on my own, to just stop worrying and live a
normal life.
I thought this was something I could get through, but I honestly don't think I can.
I will be stressed out for the rest of my life, until my body has had enough of
jittery nerves and a restless mind, and decides to shut down...
FUCK ALL OF THIS
I need to be prescribed to Xanax. 
Not just to take, but to have so when I freak out, I might just be able to cope like
a normal human being.
I hate to say this, but I hate it when she is around any guy.
There is one guy that I trust her being around, but even then I still lose my mind.
It doesn't matter how old, how young, whether they are a stranger or a lifelong
friend.
I FUCKING HATE IT
I try not to be jealous, to worry, but my brain disagrees with normal logic.
I don't like memories.
Dead memories in my heart.
I have burned the mementos, buried the letters, hid away the pictures, but there is
no place in my mind secluded enough to trap them away forever.
A little nudge on the shoulder, a subtle reminder of the dishonesty that exists in
the world.
While I convince myself that the truth exists completely in her, I never truly
believe it, and I hate how fucked up I feel for thinking that.
Why can't we just shut out the past?
Why can't we keep our eyes forward, trust and believe in what will happen?
Most people do a pretty decent job of it, at least.
Not me.
I know she doesn't either, and I want to be able to help both of us move on.
I can help her.
I will.
I doubt she can help me.
This isn't just about moving on, this is something programmed in my brain, something
imbedded that will always be there.
Even if it goes away for a while, it will always be there, just under the skin,
waiting to attack on any negative thoughts that manifest themselves.
One day, she will realize how big of a mistake she has made by being with me. 
I have made her problems better, for now, but someday I will find a way to increase
them.
I will drive her absolutely insane with worry and doubt, I won't let her live a
normal life: the one thing that she wants.
She says that I could never do that, but I have faith in my ability to push people
away.
She needs to be with someone better.
She deserves it.
I will never truly be happy unless I can spend every moment with her.
That will never happen, so therefore it is only a matter of time before I drive her
insane.
I just hope that I can push that deadline farther back so I can once again find peace
in her arms.
I love the way she is, when she is with me.
I love the way I am, when I am with her.
As soon as I am alone again, I will start to hate the way I am.
And that's just the way I am.

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