Thursday, 1 September 2011
12:23:29 AM (GMT)
What a crazy world we live in.
I just had the most amazing night of my life, but why?
Was it because I got to spend the night with my girlfriend for the first time?
Was it because I took oxys?
Was it because I had beer?
Was it because we watched the Big Bang Theory?
Was it because we had amazing food?
I wish I could answer that question, but my best guess is that it is a combination of
After she leaves, I feel blank, empty, lost...
Every moment spent with her is absolutely amazing.
I feel happy, content.
I don't worry.
She is safe in my arms, I know nobody can hurt her.
I freaked out yesterday, and I feel like a complete dick because of it.
She was just hanging out with someone, but my brain assumed the worst.
I thought she was growing tired of me, the same old story.
That she was finding someone knew, someone that understood her but didn't obsess.
I thought that this guy was going to hurt her, rape her, or worse...
I paced back and forth, I lost control of my mind.
I punched things, I threw things, I acted like a little kid...
I brought myself to the point of insanity, I held a knife to my arm, ready to do
anything to stop the thoughts.
I left before I cut, I couldn't break my promise to her.
So I left.
I drove to find her.
I fucking lost my mind.
Why must I do things to myself.
I know I seem like an asshole, like I don't trust her.
I trust her.
I really do.
I don't trust other people, especially guys.
I know that she has sense enough to stay away from the bad ones, but you can't tell
who someone is all of the time.
If anything happened to her, I really would lose it.
I have pity for anyone in my path if that day ever comes...
But I will try.
I will do my best to stop worrying, to stop freaking out.
I will calm down, let everything happen, trust her judgement.
She will never lie to me, or cheat on me.
and I would never do that to her.
We have a long life ahead of us, and I will look forward to it.
We are going to have kids, and we have a pretty good idea of what they will look and
We will see what happens.
I know that I don't need drugs to be happy, but they are pretty amazing.
I have gotten past the point in my life where I thought I couldn't be normal without
chemicals and plants, but I still have an addiction.
I can't be happy without her.
I need to accept that.
Some things we can work past, but this isn't one of them.
If I have her, life is perfect.
If I lose her, life is over.
Sound like the ramblings of a crazy man?
We all have our problems, our addictions, our reasons for living.
She is the one thing in my life that makes it worth living.
And I intend on holding on to her with everything I have, for as much time as we are
This is an interesting world we live in, and a truly amazing life, but without the
things we love, it might not be worth living.
Our souls are one now, and we are in this together.