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This diary entry is written by Hikati. ( View all entries )
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Truth: My TruthCategory: (general)
Sunday, 6 February 2011
07:45:32 PM (GMT)
I've decided to tell the truth, so here goes:
I genuinely hate myself. I walk around, thinking or acting like im a good and decent
person, but i'm not. thoughts float around through my head, hurtful things that no
one should ever think. 
I'm a hypocrite. I yell at my friends when they cut, yet i cut, and i think ever day
about where i would cut next, where i could hide it always. i yell at my friends when
they say theyre fat and wont eat, yet i call myself fat all the time, and have
decided that i wont eat. I yell at my friends when they tell me they have suicidal
thoughts, yet i think about suicide every day.
I hurt everyone around me. I cut myself, and those who say they love me, it hurts
them. i've cut because of certain people, and from that i broke her heart. I think
and say hurtful things, even when I know itll hurt someone.
I'm selfish. I couldn't give up my own food for a homeless man. The best i could do
was give him some water and chips. I cut myself when people tell me not to. When they
tell me that I'm stronger than that.
I want some people to not care as much, but i want others to care more. I wish my
parents had never found out about the marks on my wrist, that they would ne naive and
know nothing of the depression i'm suffering from. i wish i could deal with this
without them. i wish they didn't love me as much so i could feel like i have more of
a reason to hate my life. i wish people at my church would not notice the marks, not
notice when i'm upset. But at school? At school i wish that people would notice. that
my friends would notice and actually care. care enough to ask me why, ask me how hard
my life is instead of just telling me not to. of instead of checking everday for a
few weeks and giving up as soon as a new mark appears, so continue to check, to show
me you care.  
I wish i didn't have to take care of my family so much. I wish that my mom didn't
have epilypsy, that things would go back to how they used to. when she wasnt around
as much and when i could sneak more. i wish i wasn't handed all this crap to deal
with. i wish my dad would take my moms condition better and not take all his anger
out on me. i wish my sister were around more often, so she could help out. i wish i
could just sit back and relax and live a normal life.
I wish i didn't care so much about school, that way I could just flunk out of school
and not care about life. I wish i didn't want to go to Harvard, didn't want
straight-A's. I wish i wasnt the freak everyone knows i am.
I wish people wouldn't dump their problems on me as often as they do. i wish i didn't
take on their problems as i do, that i didn't have to be their rock in tough times. I
wish i had someone to lean on, someone stronger than me, someone in a more physical
sense then having God. 
I wish i could keep on pretending that the words they said didn't hurt me, that my
appearance didnt bother me, that i had all the self-confidence in the world. 
I wish i wasnt suffering from depression. i wish my resolve to stop cutting would
hold out longer than 2 weeks. 
I wish I still had real friends that I actually see. Not the friends I have now. the
friends that turn their backs after a few weeks, the friends that say they love and
care about you, but as soon as they think you did something wrong they hate you, the
friends that dont stay when they said they always would.
I wish i didn't have certain tendencies, and that I was a normal person. I wish i
didn't have to walk around with a fake smile on my face everyday. I wish i wasnt
brought up to hold in my feelings, to wear a mask. 
I wish that i had more courage. even the courage for suicide sometimes, but when i
think about it, i know i wont and can't all because i can't do something like that to
my friends and family, to the people who (at least say) they love me. 
But most of all, I wish i wished for none of this.  All of this just proves how
selfish a person i am. how much i want life to be easy and simple when everyone knows
that its not. I think i have a hard and tough life, but i know its not as hard as
others, and yet i have the nerve to try and sympathize with those going through times
20x as hard as mine. i want to be a good person, but i know now that really, i'm
worthless and good-for-nothing. All i do is bring others pain, and i don't want to do
that, but i dont know how to express myself any other way at the moment.....
Yeah, isnt life great?

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