Thursday, 5 June 2008
10:08:25 PM (GMT)
Today, five days after it hit, it finally sank in.
Impossibilities turned to possibilities, and now are slowly dripping into
There's not even any reason. Maybe it's my fault for bringing up the subject, for
another attempt at telling someone the truth, and turning her into that, but... I'm
not convinced. I couldn't have deserved that, surely. Our relationship was built so
much upon emotion that reasonless uncaringness doesn't seem strange to us at all. She
said she doesn't care, I know she doesn't have a reason, but this makes somehow more
sense than any reason ever could.
The question is becoming: what am I going to do?
She's been such an integral part of my life, of my identity even. While I've had
major trust-cracking arguments with all my other regularly-communicatable close
friends... I'd not had one with her. I wouldn't say it was something about her
necessarily.. more about the way we interacted with eachother than anything of me or
her... but it was a sensation of safety. A relationship where I could trust her not
to hurt me, and for things to be calm. That's not there anymore, most certainly, and
so I'm left just... rootless. Vulnerable. There is, currently, no one I can turn to.
Hence why I only told one person today, and didn't mention it to anyone in the four
days intervening. Ironically, there wasn't any chance of even the most contrarian of
friends siding with the other person on this one if I gave them the facts (this is a
factor that has stopped me talking about things with people before).
I'm not even sure how we could move on from this, if she were to start caring