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This diary entry is written by ‹stickyvaporeon›. ( View all entries )
 
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I'm so bad at life.Category: Thoughts
Sunday, 30 August 2015
05:12:27 AM (GMT)
I've been reading a lot to escape my feelings. 
When my mind is in my brain and my soul is in my body I'm lonely. When I send my mind
elsewhere to feel someone else's feelings, I don't have to feel my own. I don't want
my own. 
I'm too lonely to sleep. I'm so confused.
Phillip and I are getting messy again. I thought we were finally done. But he still
has feelings for me, and he's still annoyingly suicidal, and wakes me up at night to
tell me everyone should be glad he doesn't have a gun, or to tell me if I need more
protein in my diet his semen is available or something. Ew, right? I'm still not
convinced that he loves me. I know he wants me. But that means nothing to me. Sex
isn't my cup of tea. And he's still hurt over the fact that I don't want him. I'm
sorry that you can't accept the fact I care about you but don't want to exchange
bodily fluids with you, Phillip. 
But I know him. I know the things he's been through. I want to be his friend. I want
to be there for him. I want to hang out with him. Maybe cuddle with him. But I can't
do any of that if I have to worry about him thinking about sex the whole time.
And he knows I don't want that, so he thinks the only solution is we can never hang
out. 
I just don't understand. Can it really be that hard to control your hormones? 

I'm starting to wonder if Benji is polyamorous. I don't even really know what that
means, but I think it means you have the ability to be in love with two people at
once. (Like Bella from Twilight. Ew.) Anyway, who knows. Doesn't matter, he isn't in
love with me anymore. Every time we start to get along well I mess it up and he stops
talking to me. 

I don't know what I am. 

I'm stupid, I know that. Or I make stupid decisions. Same thing. 
I want my life to start already. I'm never taking another summer off. It was
horrible. Nothing but reading and Netflix and video games and movies and websites. My
mind was never in my body. I was always distracted. Even when I went for bike rides I
was distracted. Nothing feels real anymore. 

I don't know what I want. I'm sad.
I tried to force my mania to hold long enough for me to write seven essays. I wrote
three. Then I lost momentum and crashed. Now I'm depressed again. Meow.

Comments 
‹Dragonborn› says:   30 August 2015   819201  
Messy, but focus on the good points, you have friends to help you
cope, and endless tv show choices and movie choices, reading is
healthy, a good distraction, we as men have hormones, controlling them
is hard at times...but only when we choose to control them...most just
go with the bone, the annoying prick...maybe talk to me. I tend to
help people, and maybe I can help you, talk to you, talk, that's all,
sleep helps too, but if you want to talk, my message button is...1,
2....yeah, like 2 clicks away, anyways have a nice night and
just...think of being a cloud or something, carefree and floating
around endlessly, and you can take leaks on everyones heads. xP
 
backstabber says:   30 August 2015   170994  
It's easier to be miserable abought others peoples lives then your
own ergo depressing books are published.
 
‹stickyvaporeon› says:   31 August 2015   254541  
@backstabber 

what the fuck is "abought" 
 
‹Dragonborn› says:   31 August 2015   992709  
@punkprodigy 
She's rough with English, but she meant about. 
 
‹stickyvaporeon› says:   31 August 2015   659833  
@josh789 

oh. Sorry @backstabber 
 
‹Dragonborn› says:   31 August 2015   868980  
@punkprodigy 
It's ok, I have a way with words and honestly...she's like you, she
told me because I talk to her and when she reads this she know I said
it, she's asexual too. 
 
‹Dragonborn› says:   31 August 2015   737597  
Anyways, I am here as a friend if you need another one.
@punkprodigy 
 
‹Gross› says:   31 August 2015   131067  
Can we please live together already..... I'm literally feeling the
exact same way, and I miss having you in my life. We need to hang out
Tuesday or Wednesday, I have those days off.  Just something,
literally I can't stand being here.
 
‹stickyvaporeon› says:   31 August 2015   865608  
@Innocent_high 

YES YES YES YES YES YES
PLEASE 
PLEASE WYATT
get me the fuck out of here 
Living here makes me want to die 
hang out with me and we'll make plans please
I bought us a Heathers poster for our apartment 
I'm getting a car and a job 
we can do this 
 
‹Gross› says:   31 August 2015   763737  
@punkprodigy 
Seriously, I don't care if we just throw rocks at the sky and watch
them fall down and hit the ground, we NEED to hangout, pronto.

And hell yes we can do this, we should discuss our plans for it! I'm
100% in to get the fuck out. 
 
‹Dragonborn› says:   31 August 2015   409208  
@punkprodigy 
@Innocent_high 
Best of luck you crazy kids, and live life to its full potential, just
keep moving forward. 
 
‹stickyvaporeon› says:   31 August 2015   276738  
@Innocent_high 

I agree so much, so much. Today I was thinking about you and how I
miss you and like, "Wow, I should really tell Wyatt that he's awesome
and I love him and I'm so unspeakably grateful that he's been there
for me all these years. I'm sure he already knows. But I need to tell
him again anyway." 

LET'S HAVE SOME FUN 
but this time let's stay sober, at least for a while
because we need to help each other figure out our game plan 
so we can help each other and hold each other accountable 
until we get out 
and can begin our lives 
 
‹Gross› says:   31 August 2015   546262  
@punkprodigy 
Of course! I actually am thinking about quitting my job. So I have to
clean out my system for a while.  I was actually thinking of you too
when I was at work haha!

@josh789 
Thank you stranger! 
 
‹Gross› says:   31 August 2015   280402  
quitting my job and finding a new one*

I totally forgot to type that part lmao
 
‹Dragonborn› says :   31 August 2015   283689  
@Innocent_high 
Your welcome, its a blessing that you have each other, figure your
lives out and best of luck, I'll remain a stanger, unless my name
becomes worth remembering.  
 
 
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