Tuesday, 14 August 2012
01:06:41 PM (GMT)
My name is Clara, Clara Petersen. I live in southern Wisconsin, in a big farm
house with my best friend and her family. When I was 5 years old someone murdered my
parents, and under the law I was forced to live with my aunt Nita. I hated Nita, she
mean old cranky lady, and I could tell she hated me when the court stopped by and
with her, she cursed them out, and then yelled at me and told me to get out of her
stayed in the guest room, and if she ever needed anything she'd yell at me to do it.
home schooled, by her of course, she wouldn't teach me anything but the absolute
she said "young ladies do not practice math." I decided one day I was going to not
to her, she put me in the closet for 3 hours, she fed me, but I was in the closet,
only people who believed me were my best friend and her parents, no one else. When I
14 Rochel and her family were planning on moving to Wisconsin, I told them I was
with them, originally they said no, but after 2 weeks of me begging and giving them
reasons I should go with them they said I could, so I packed a few important items,
the only picture I was aloud to take of my parents, and enough clothes to fill a
So now I'm 15, and haven't heard from my aunt since I called her when we first got
because I did inform her where I was, she didn't care, I knew she wouldn't.
We got here right before school started, and the rumor spread quickly that I was
runaway, in a way that is, and no one really liked me. Rochel on the other hand was
popular, and she told me how sorry she was that she wanted to stay popular, and
jeopardize it quite yet. So while I lived in the same house and she had been my best
friend, we drifted apart, I started wearing only jeans and sweatshirts, while she
skirts and t-shirts, to attract attention, not like she needs it. One day I was
my room listening to music when Rochel came to the door and cleared her throat.
I spun around and looked at her, she waved and said "umm, can I come in?"
I motioned for her to come in and sit down on the bed, and we just sat there
looked at each other for a few minutes, then I said "Sooo" dragging it on to break
silence "what do you need?"
She bit her bottom lip then said "well, Jeffrey, you know my boyfriend, the
quarterback for the football team right?" she went on not waiting for a response,
"anyways, he says you look emo, I wasn't sure if he was right sooo, I'm curious,"
voice dropped low and her eyes went wide searching my face for some kind of change
I laughed at her so hard, and responded "Row, you still amaze me, you should
well enough that I couldn't do that." but then I stopped and thought about how I
the look, and wondered what it was like to cut, the few cutters I had talked to said
was like a release, it helps you relax.
Rochel blew out a relieved breath, "thank God you don't, I don't know what I
done if my BFF was cutting herself" she got up off the bed and hugged me, then
toward the door, and stopped to turn around and say, "if you need anyone to talk to,
know where I live, but I have to go I have cheer practice in 30 minutes, bye Clara"
left with a little laugh.
I sat there for a few minutes after Rochel left, in the silence, because go
my iPod had to die, and I was contemplating talking to the cutters, seeing their
view on the whole subject, I mean who could it hurt? I spun around in my chair to
iPod in. I got up and walked over to my bed and plopped down on it and feel asleep
thinking about how much me and Rochel had drifted apart, even living in the same
had she always been like that, or is this a new persona she adopted just because she
The next day I got up early for school, which is rare, which also meant I might
school on time. I took a steamy hot shower, and blow dried my hair, until it was
curly, then I straightened it. Next I went to do my make up, I started with a light
of chap stick, then some natural colored lip gloss, I wasn't going to do my eyeliner,
again, who could it hurt? I put a thin, but surprisingly noticeable line of it on my
and bottom lids, it looked really good on me. I threw on a gray tee, black skinny
and a big black sweater, and shoved my iPod in the pocket. I walked outside, it
cold, but I still had 6 miles to the school, and there was no way I was waiting for
school bus, or even thinking about riding it, so I started walking, I finally made it
the school with almost an hour to spare, and there was like no one there, so I went
where the cutters, Fey and Haven, always hang out, no one here either oh well this
makes it easier. I took out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote in big letters I
to ask you guys a question I put in on the table where Fey sits day in and day out,
and walked away like nothing was happening.
30 minutes later I walked back past there again, a few of the people were
Haven was, and a few of her friends that I didn't know yet, but not Fey, and still
note was gone, it was in Havens hand, she was just reading.
I walked over by the table, and Haven pretty much sensed me, she put the paper
and closed her eyes and tilted her head, while cooing, "oh Clara. What is it you'd
ask of us?" She turned and smiled at me, genuinely smiled at me, the most inviting
I'd seen in a long time.
I kinda stumbled over the words, but finally got it out, "w-well, ummm, I w-was,
w-wondering what it was like for each of you to, well, cut for the first time?" I
squinched up my face at the sound of how much of a loser I sounded like.
Haven gently walked over and took my hand, and brought me towards the group, and
calmingly, "Everyone's first experience is different, mine was exhilarating,
then kind of exhausting," she let go of my hand then motioned to the guy on her
"This is Greg, he's the one who found your little letter," I noticed she left it
on the table, "He knew right away that is was you, because, I think he said
about, loving your hand writing." Greg blushed, but how did he know it was me and my
Everyone there shared their stories of what it was like, but all I could tell
I hadn't done it yet, but I wanted to know if it hurt, they all shook their heads no.
Fey came up, Fey was the first person to be nice to me when I got to this school, I
her a lot. She took in on what was going on and Haven explained to her what I was
for, and that they all agreed to talk about it, for the first time ever. All Fey
was smile, then everyone else finished their stories, and everyone looked at Fey, and
waited for her to tell her story. She looked from each of us, and finally stopped on
could see the pain in her eyes, I could guess why she couldn't tell her story, I mean
told me about it before when we were walking home together one day, I just never
anything of it.
Fey took a deep breath, "all I remember was that I wanted to do it again to get
from the fighting, and that it made mommy so very upset, and made daddy cry real
She had to take another deep breath, "My mom, as much as I loved her, she was a drug
abuser, and my father would yell at her all the time for doing that, that is wasn't
for me, the first time, I did it was in my bathroom, all I felt at first was pain,
nothingness, then the floor was flying at me, and then nothing but sweet bliss.
I woke up 3 days later in the emergency room, I heard daddy yelling at mommy again,
this time, it wasn't angry yelling, it was him telling her I was finally awake, and
he told the nurses, and everyone made a big deal of it, but I blacked out again, so
don't remember that much, but I know when I came back to mommy was crying and daddy
yelling. I didn't want to be there, so for my first experience I would have to say,
addicting, an amazing escape, I would do it again in the blink of an eye."
The first bell rang everyone dispersed to their first hour class, mine was
literature, I sat down in my assigned seat, and waited for class to begin. I heard
one of the girls who makes an effort to torture me during school whispering under her
breath, I looked up to see her pointing at me, and right there on my desk in crude
sloppy handwriting was a love note, no name, no indication that I know them, I bet
it's a fake. I read through it, it's a confession, to me? Does someone actually like
me, or am I going insane believing another one of Victoria's tricks. The teacher
comes in and starts the lecture, and the whole time I'm looking at the wall across
the room, and the whole time I feel like someones staring at me, but I'm too
self-conscious to look around to see who it is.
I went through half of the day so far, and it's finally lunch time, I open up my
locker to put my stuff in it and another note falls out, the same handwriting, but
this time all it says, meet me for lunch, HINT: I love your handwriting. It's Greg,
Greg has a crush on me? But Greg's cute, I'm not, and not to mention I don't fit in
with him and the people he hangs out with, well not yet anyways. That's it I've
decided, tonight I'm going to make it so I fit in with Fey, Haven, Greg, and all of
them, the simplest way, I'm going to see what it's like to cut.
I went to their table during lunch, Greg was already there, he looked up and smiled
at me, “so you figured it out, good job, and they'll be here soon, they order lunch
from school.” he went back to eating his salad.
I thought the silence was kinda awkward, so I did something to stupid that I never
would've done any other time, I asked him, “why do you cut?” and when I noticed
the mistake I tried to correct it, “I mean your absolutely gorgeous, and look
really athletic, I'm just wondering why you do it, You don't have to tell me if you
don't want to either.” Why am I rambling I have to give him a chance to talk.
He kept chewing, and shrugged his shoulders, and with a mouth full of lettuce and
ranch he said, “I'll tell you some other time.” Some other time, right, I totally
just BLEW IT.
Everyone else started filing in to the table, and Fey took the seat right to the
left of mine. She grabbed my left arm and signaled for Haven to do the same with my
right and they both picked them up and pulled my sleeves up, seeing nothing on my
arms they let go and went on with eating their hot ham and cheese. What in the world
just happened. The day went on as normal, I didn't see Greg anywhere, but I knew I
had to get home before Rochel to get the to the bathroom, so I can have some
As soon as the last bell rang I sprinted to my locker, grabbed my bag, the little
bag Haven gave me during lunch, and launched out the door, straight towards home. I
made it there before Rochel, so I ran into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door,
I don't want anyone to walk in on me. I took what was in the bag from Haven out, 3
new razor blades, still in their package. I took off my sweater, and took out a razor
blade, I held it tightly in my right hand over my left wrist over the sink, this is
what they did in the movies, right?
I pushed it down on my wrist, it felt like it burned for a second, so I moved it
across my wrist, a thin slice all the way across, it wasn't extremely deep but it was
bleeding, and they were right it didn't really hurt, at least not as bad as school
does and dealing with Victoria. The blood dripped down around my wrist into the sink,
I watched it drip and leave red marks all over the white porcelain sink, I didn't
know my blood was so warm, and so relaxing. I was sitting there watching the blood
when it hit me, I started getting really light headed, and things started getting
I looked all around me and found a red towel, I pressed it against the cut, how long
had I been bleeding, there was quite a bit of blood in the sink and it was still
pouring out of my arm. I grabbed a rubber band and broke it in half and wrapped it
and tied it around my arm, I think that's what they do in movies when the persons
bleeding out, the next thing is getting my feet over my heart and head, I think. I
don't have time to think, the bleeding's slowing down a lot and it hasn't gotten much
worse yet, so I hope I'm fine.
I lay there for awhile and notice all of the blood stopped going out my cut, and
it's sealing up I took the rubber band off and threw the towel in the dirty clothes,
walked over to the sink and rinsed down all the blood, and put on my sweater and
walked down to my room and laid down on my bed.
Another new part (I need to stop being lazy)
I laid awake most of the night, I'm not sure why, but I couldn't sleep at all, I
guess I eventually feel asleep because my alarm scared the crap out of me when it
started beeping at me. I got up and did my usually routine, only once looking at my
wrist while I was taking my shower, it didn't look bad, why did everyone say it was a
bad thing to do it. I moved along and got to school around the time Haven and her
group had gathered, also known as the time I talked to them yesterday. I walked over
by them and Haven looked me up and down, like I was a piece of art and then she
walked over, and picked up my left arm, and looked at it.
She smiled for only a second, then dropped my arm and turned around, “why, why
would you of all people mutilate yourself, I mean I understand that your parents were
murdered and you had to watch, and now the person you live with, who was your best
friend, isn't anymore, your aunt doesn't care about you, but those are things I
thought you had coped with, you told me you had coped with them, why did you cut,
this time.” I swore she said that without taking a breath, because towards the end
she started speeding up.
I took a deep breath, and tried to clear my mind to think, but I couldn't think of a
reason, at least not one that wouldn't make me seem like a loser. They were all
starring at me, I had to choose one, and fast.
I blurted out without thinking, “because I was, bored.” just like that, I think
I ruined my chances of ever being friends with them.
Everyone started whispering to each other, and Haven stopped it by addressing me,
“you were bored?” oh no, I was right, I'm soo going to get reamed, but I didn't,
she continued, “Well, it happens, I was bored the first time I cut, and then I got
sent to some psych ward, I was watched all the time, and when they couldn't figure me
out they sent me back, now my parents won't even look at me, so I guess boredom is
why many people start cutting.”
The first bell rang after everyone talked around me, I just thought to myself, I
survived, I survived, and Haven told me her story for why she started cutting. I
think I'm accepted into the group. The first bell rang and everyone went to class,
Greg and I walked together, and oh em gee I love the look on everyone's faces,
including the teachers, I guess no one expected me and Greg to be together, that's
something I won't soon forget.
Will be added to eventually
I need to come up with a name, I need to actually sit down and devote time to this
story, I want to get it done before I'm 18.(6 months) That and also want critics on
it as well.
Last edited: 16 August 2012