Thursday, 14 June 2012
11:31:38 PM (GMT)
I don't like these feelings right now.
One minute I'm floating on top of the world with butterflies and the feeling that
someone really does love me, and the next I'm in a pit, my butterflies turns to a
sickening stomach ache, and I'm afraid I'm about to die.
Imagine you're getting married, your relationship with your partner couldn't be more
perfect, and it's a beautiful morning on a warm sandy beach somewhere tropical, and
just when things couldn't be any more amazing than they already are, you happily
glance at the sky and you think you see eighteen god damn nuclear warheads plummeting
towards you from the sky.
I feel good.
Then I feel like something very bad is going to happen.
I feel happy.
Then there's a gun against my head.
I don't know how to describe it, I'm getting the grossest sense of foreboding and I
Is something wrong with me? Am I sick in the head? Why have I had this weird stomach
ache for two weeks? Am I insane? Why am I afraid I might do something that could
seriously hurt me, or even risk my life? Why the fuck am I so afraid that I'm going
to die in my sleep? Why is the anxiety just getting to me now? Why am I afraid to go
to school? To go home? To walk anywhere alone? To take FUCKING shower?
What's wrong with me?
I hate it.
I want it to be gone, over, done.
But what is it?
GET ME OUT OF HERE
I NEED TREES
But no more sirens.
No more police cars.
No more ambulances or fire trucks.
I need winter.
What is going on?
What's wrong with me.
Matt, please don't let me do anything stupid.
Stay with me, please.
AGH FUCKING WHAT AM I DOING WHY AM I DOING THIS