Sunday, 9 October 2011
08:19:33 PM (GMT)
For the longest I've ever gone, I did not cut. For four weeks exactly, I was clean.
Then yesterday I finally cave in and lose it. I realized something important. I can't
quit unless I'm doing it for the same reason I started- for myself. Almost everything
I do is for the benefit of others, I just rarely enjoy placing myself afead of them.
That was my first reason, it was one thing I could do just for me. And then people
found out, they begged me to stop, and after a year of them knowing, a started to
listen. I put my all into it. But I still want to cut, I still love the feeling.
Until I quit because I want to, not because others want me to, I'm done trying.
I also think I'm going to start acting how I feel. One friend who knows everything
asked if I purposely let my feeling through sometimes to get an effect from people.
If that ever happens, it's because something slips through the cracks, and really not
much does. I tried to explain, but I don't think he understood. He can express
exactly what he wants to too well to get it. Maybe if they see me without a fake
smile long enough, people will start to understand.