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This diary entry is written by ‹freckleshoulders›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: onehundredfortyfour, in category (general)

onehundredfortyfive,Category: (general)
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
06:03:32 AM (GMT)
i've lost a couple friends through the years, more so to things i can't control than things i could due to my painful loyalty. but lately i've come to fully realize who my friends are and why they are my friends. it's all because they are funny, because they accept me, and because they are real. they don't mind when i burst out in uncontrollable fits of laughter and they don't understand why. i've come to realize i am still incapable of trusting, crucify me for it, it's alright. but although i cannot trust, i'm finding it's still quite easy to breathe. as for you love sick birds, i guess i'm maybe happy for you, but something still makes me want you to come hurling back to earth with a clatter as i was forced to do. i guess i don't care so much anymore, i'm finally loosening my grip. but maybe you have figured it out by now, i never forget anything and i have trouble forgiving yet i used to give out too many chances. it's alright now, though. you can live your life the way you would like to, whether it be wise or foolish. you may have called me stupid but it was only because you were angry. still, i cannot take you aboard yet again, i am sorry. i'm afraid to claim anything for my own because i'm so sure that it will be taken away from me. i have trouble becoming close because i'm so convinced that i'd be wrong to. you have judged me for this, saying it was my own choice, my own doing, when it was not. it was the wrongs done upon me. i am content with believing that you enjoy making a fuss, which is one reason i had to let you carry on alone. and also the fact that you are extremely up and down, back and forth, "i love you" and "i hate you." it's alright though, you've got whoever it is you've got now, and i've got my dear as well. as the longest night carries on, i can only smile halfheartedly at the memories drifting in and out so nonchalantly, with "lucy in the sky with diamonds" waltzing through my jumbled, tired brain. not so far away up on the snowy hill, my sunshine is lying across the bed, awaiting the morning, singing, "picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes..."
Last edited: 22 December 2010

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