Saturday, 20 February 2010
04:16:46 AM (GMT)
Just a babble about all my self hate. Nothing really interesting to read.
I can't do anything well. I can't draw, I can't write, I can't cook, I can't do
physical labor, I can't fight, I can't sing, I can't meet the standards that my
parents as well as I myself have set for me, I can't finish anything, I can't do
anything with tools, and to top it all of I am unable to finish anything I start.
I have the only redeeming qaulities I have are cancelled out by all my faults:
I'm above average intelligence for a person from the southern united startes, but I
am too quiet and small to actually put any of my knowledge to use.
I'm creative, but I have no ways of actually using my creative results.
I'm loyal, but I'm completely insecure and constantly questioning my own self-worth
and my worth to the people I am loyal to.
I'm tall, but I'm fat.
I've been told I have pretty eyes once, but I have terrible vision and wear glasses
that aren't even the same prescription of my vision anymore.
I can kick/throw hard and far, but I have no fucking aim whatsoever.
I feel bad about everything. I can't do anything right. I can't work in groups. I
can't start conversations. I can't control my emotions half the time. I'm a fucking
hypocrite. I can't spell. all the useless knowledge I have is completely useless. I'm
scared of everything.
I'm not good at anything. I can't clean well. I'm not neat or organised. I'm not
pretty. I'm not optimistic. I'm not romantic. I can't bring myself to think that I'm
good enough for anybody, so every I've never had an actual 'crush' or ever 'fancied'
anyone. Which is even worse because the two people I've ever said i've had a crush on
have just been me being jealous of all my more emotionally ept friends.
I'm so insecure that I think that If I am absent from school my friends will not even
notice that I'm missing, unless of course they need something from me, because I feel
I feel completely fake because I NEVER act like myself, EVER.
ANYTHING can trigger this fucked up depression/bi-polar disorder I keep having. Like
when they ask me to do something, and I'll do it, but then I'll ask them to do
something and they won't. Or when they walk away from me. Or when they talk to me
because they need something and then they disapear. When they only want me because
there's no one else. When they ignore my eistance. When they don't acknowledge me.
When they leave me when I'm having trouble with something. When they won't help me.
Oh~! here's something kinda funny/sad. I had one friend that I told all these
thoughts and feelings to. It was when I was really depressed, and when I really
needed someone. I told her I was feeling suicidal alot. I talked to her a lot; when I
was happy, when I was sad, when I loved life, when I hated it.
Then one day she said that I was started to annoy her with all my talk of being
suicidal. She implied that she didn't want to talk to me anymore if I was going to
continue being depressed.
I didn't want to lose a friend, so I shut myself the fuck up and pretended like all
this had disapeared. It hasn't though. Only difference is that now I have no one to
talk to anymore. Except my buddy in washington. Whom is in washington. In washington
wayyyyy far away. Where I can't hear his voice. which is what I need. to hear a voice
talking to me. Acknoledging that YES, I still exist. Yes, I am still breathing. Yes,
somebody sincerely cares that I feel horrible ALL the time.
but no, that doesn't happen. and I feel alone. always cold and always alone.