Wednesday, 29 October 2008
12:19:27 AM (GMT)
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap
Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married
Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt
married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named
Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six Schitt, were inseparable throughout Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens nuptials."
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarce. Bull Schitt, the prodigal
son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Crock O. Schitt
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their
English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things
like “chalk” or “pencil,” she described, would have a gender association
although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into 2 groups
(male and female) and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The Men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else,
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
The Women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little bit longer, you
could have had a better model.
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting
and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd
found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white
dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing
one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
How To Annoy People On An Airplane
1. Act like a movie star.
2. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or
Madonna. (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question.)
3. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).
4. Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
5. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and
attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate
home,' she said governessly."
6. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
7. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper,
etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to
you. Give yourself an "F".
8. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra.
9. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into
the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright!
I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play
10. Call the stewardess "nurse".
11. Continually offer to share your "Beano".
12. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque
on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
13. Disco dance in the aisle.
14. Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face.
15. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone.
16. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come
out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone
17. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
18. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a
19. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker
20. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking
21. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of
toilet paper! Stewardess!"
22. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the
COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.
23. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
24. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
25. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
26. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.
27. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God
for auto-pilot, eh?"
28. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a
first class guy as if you were long-lost friends.
29. Moon passing Delta planes.
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
31. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
32. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
33. Pretend you're flying the plane.
34. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on
35. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning.
Dumb as Einstein
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is
the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls
the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice
cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters
instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's
and one more...
The Japenese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and they, too, suffer fewer heart attacks than
the Birtish or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
P.S..these are not mine..