Saturday, 5 November 2011
09:34:18 PM (GMT)
Yesterday, Adrian texted me, saying he felt kinda sad that he wouldn't be able to
see me the whole weekend. I knew I would miss him, but I was surprised to learn he
would miss me even after just a day or two.
I can't believe I'm actually starting to believe someone truly, deeply cares for me.
No strings attached.
To know almost everything about me, to be the one I turn to when my mother has yelled
me into tears.
And still care about me over everyone else.
I think he cares about me more than he does the girl who he's loved for four years.
To be the one he turns to when he's upset, because now I am the one to make him feel
I almost feel...necessary.
Like finally I'm not just a waste of a potentially good person.
It's so weird.
I'm not sure if I like this.
I like him, I might even love him. I don't know yet.
I can't imagine not seeing him, not having his arm around me, not being able to kiss
him, and to talk about everything ridiculous and serious and in between.
But why would anyone want to rely on me?
What kind of person would consider ME a person worthy of the affection he shows me
unconditionally, even after all I've told him?
It scares me.
But on Monday, I'm sure this anxiety will fade.
It always does when I'm with him.
I wish this made sense.
I wish thinking of losing him didn't fill me with terror, even more than becoming
entirely dependant on him does.
I wish I wasn't scared of even kissing him, rather than him kissing me.
I can't even do that, but he still...needs me.
And that, more than anything, scares me.
But at the same time, he's the only one who can make me feel secure.
I'm confused. I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days.
I want to see him. Right now.