Sunday, 3 July 2011
08:27:22 AM (GMT)
i have a boyfriend.... well. i had a boyfriend, who's in the military (hes in
Afghanistan). A few weeks ago he was dealing with some personal and emotional
problems, and felt that it was best if he wasn't in a serious long-distant
relationship anymore. Especially if we are to be together when he gets out (in almost
4 years). I gave him his space, seeing as i just want him to be okay. But i have lots
of thoughts that have been bothering me.
I found out yesterday, that what caused the breakup was his friend being killed over
there. He feels shaky, mentally, like he might not be okay. I worry for him so
badly. he doesn't have any time for talking on the internet, so i don't really know
whats going on as of right now.
I don't want to add my problem to his, so he has no idea, but my loneliness was
starting to take a toll on me over here. I don't have many, or any, friends that i
can easily hang out with. The last friendly person i saw face-to-face was about a
month ago. The person i talk to the most is my mom. Although she is great, shes not
really the kind of BFF that a 19 year old girl wants.
my back-up has always been my 2 best friends who reside inside the internets (haha)
although they recently got together into their own romantic relationship. leaving
minimal time for talking to me. (its a little complicated, but i only talk to 1 of
them now, rarely, and the other gets very jealous when these conversations happen.)
my loneliness is nothing new. Its been this way since i moved here 10 years ago. Ive
never really gotten along with these people, and those who have similar interests as
me are waayyy too crazy.(or are the friends of my ex-boyfriend). Its somewhat a small
i think many bad experiences, mixed with my already timid personality, has given me
great emotional stress and anxiety. I am painfully shy when i meet new people. even
with boyfriends i've had in the past. (I whispered the entire first 6+ months of my
second relationship, just from being shy.)
I always new, that boyfriends in the army were a No-Go-Zone. i did not want to have
to deal with this, but its funny how things work out.
I have known this guy for 5 years now. 1 year barely as a face and a name, 3years as
an acquaintance/friend, and the rest gets fuzzy.
its my Senior year of high-school, and we ended up with 1 similar class, the first
class we had together our entire high-school career.
i was dating a good friend of his at the time, and the reason why he hadn't told me
that he had been crushing on me for 3 years.
Boyfriends were my safety-net, if i had a boyfriend, i wasn't lonely. at least
that's what my logic was, but it felt just as bad and lonely with the ones i picked.
After i broke up with my first boyfriend (of 3 years), i was immediately in a
relationship with boy no. 2.. which left no time for Army Guy to express his
When i broke up with his friend, things changed.. Boyfriend no.1 dominates
conversations, usually i am quietly sitting in my corner as i watched my
high-school-life drift by. But once we broke up, i started to talk to Army Guy more
often, he wasn't "my boyfriend's friend" anymore, he became "my friend" for the last
5 months of high-school.
it was during those months when i found out his Army plans, but i felt i had no right
to disapprove of them to his face. Our friendship was somewhere new, and I cared for
him more than i understood, or dared to believe, since i was already in another
the day of graduation, we hung out for maybe an hour, laying in a bouncy-house
talking . I tried very hard to control my urges to touch him, or lean against him, or
kiss him. (i was still a taken lady after all) then his friends came and took him
away, and that was the end of that.
a few weeks later on a chance meeting, i see him at the movie theaters as i am
leaving, with boyfriend no. 2 (summer is in full swing).
hes stoned, and he tries to give me his e-mail address, which i desperately tried to
remember when i got home, with 0 luck. (we found out that he had said the wrong
words...since he was stoned rofl)
now it is an entire year later, and i am hating boyfriend no.2. It is very difficult
for me to break-up with people. I think it stems down to being lonely. And boyfriend
no.2 and his family were my entire non-blood-related social circle.
at school i had gone up to weeks with out saying a single word, only to end my
silence streak to ask a question in class, or to say 'hello' to a stranger. and now
it was summer again.
Its July 2010, and i get a random Junk E-mail from Army Guy's e-mail address. which
i reply to with simply his name, a question-mark, and a sad face " D: "
i think i'm going to stop here.
Last edited: 3 July 2011