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This diary entry is written by Biihtei. ( View all entries )
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It's really been,... about 6 years now, hasn't it?Category: The Story of My Life.
Sunday, 14 November 2010
10:47:20 AM (GMT)
Since you left us.
And it's almost your birthday too, or...has it already passed? It's the 14, right?
Your birthday.
I really wish I had you here.
It's hard, not living with your birth-mother.
I remember getting angry at you-over what, i don't remember.
all I remember is looking up at the sky, closing my hands together-and thinking of
Wishing you were gone-out of my life forever.
I was just a stupid 9 year old kid who was just really angry but the next day
everything would be normal again...
or, so i thought....
I constantly heard my mother and father fighting at night when they thought i was
Yelling-then a crash, then a slam of the door. sometimes i wouldn't see mom for
I remember seeing my mom cry,.. a lot...
I couldn't do anything.. i was so little-All i could do was place my hand on her
shoulder and ask her what the matter was.
Asked her to stop crying.
She'd smile a little, I remember saying that if this was because of daddy, I would go
kick his butt for her.
This would always make her laugh even a little.
Finally it was too much for them. My little sister- just a baby, was sleeping in the
living room i think.
I was crying my effing eyes out-begging her not to go, making her promise to come
back soon.
She crouched down, still in her pizza hut uniform, hand on my shoulder now.
She told me show was going to Texas, to visit grandpa for awhile... I'd seen grandpa
in pictures-but his face was always cut-off in the picture.
so i never saw his face.
not that i can remember anyways.
Grandpa....mother's father...
but yet...she lied.
father said she just got on a bus and left.
never came back.
I was in denial yet...where is she?
not here thats for sure.
It's all my fault she's gone.
and it's all my fault I have the life i do now-with this new girlfriend my father's
been dating for about 2 long hell-like years.
I hate it.
I've actually considered throwing away my life a few times but I didn't want her and
her nasty family at my funeral. 
And theres no way I could ever run away 'cuz i wanna graduate from this school so
even if I DID runaway they could easily find me.
So, I was all-FINE I'LL MOVE OUT WHEN I'M 18!!!
but wth happended? "no, we won't let you, Your not dependuable enough, your to lazy
you won't do anything, then you'll just right back to us, so we just won't let you go
away in the first place."
I'm not like them, or MY family.
I just wanna be ME!
Like I WANTED to be in the FIRST PLACE!!
sometimes, i laugh at my stupid thoughts-thinking if i tried wishing on a star again
would help in this situation but no....
I only get what i want out of anger.
That's why i'm so demented and realisze it.
Why I'm afraid to make friends 'cuz i'll just lose them.
Why I live and strive off sites like these, because i don't want to be with anyone
of course i'm real but....
I'm not like my family.
I refuse to lie it's something I absolutely hate.
I sort of hope...
when i start driving I'll get in a crash someday....
so it won't be suicide but......
then again-that's how my cousin died back in march-she was going out Christmas
shopping, car slid and she died.
Now my OTHER cousin who was my BEST FRIEND.
Get's high, drinks, and smokes-and she's only 12/13. 
I tell her it's wrong.
she say's she knows it's not right but says she dosn't care-she likes it.
somehow-I just can't believe that...
or maybe..I don't want to.
why do you think i want to move like-15 states away from here just to go to college.

I'll have fun, learning, school again which i love, and i'll be away from my family.
I hate playing "family game nights"
Why should I have to be in a room full of people playing monopoly with  people i
don't like.
I hate board games.
they annoy the shiz outta me.
that's where i'm kind of like a guy- i wanna just flip over the bored, yell, cuss,
kick the wall, punch somebody and leave.
but instead i sit there with no facial expression, no emotion, sitting there, playing
random cars, drawing, I win.
they hate it.
they lecture me again.
I again-don't care.
Why did my father marry my mother have sex enough times to have 3 children-then just
say he 'dosn't love her anymore'. 
How is that EVEN POSSIBLE?!
you heartless douchebag.
Why did you 2 get together, bring me into this life, then just leave.
you have no idea how hard that is on me.
So now i'm a middle child who's never seen her older sister since she was a baby,
never seen her mom since she was 9, never seen her grandfather since she was a baby,
is alone, and has to act like a mother figure for her little sister?
I.. don't like doing it,... this...
and i admit-i'm lazy, but when i have enough hope or KNOW i'm going to do it-I DO IT.
I don't go 'pschh do it later' I do it NOW!
I've already planned my entire life out.
AND my family , aunt and all-wanna put ME on birth control now JUST because i'm 16! 
I'm not some slut.
I'm not gonna have sex.
I already know.
How can you say i have a good "head on my shoulders" then say i can't live by myself
and am gonna have sex.
I'm AFRAID of both sex AND Birth.
not to mention devotion. 
and i doubt anyone would get in a relationship with me unless they were really
desperate or if it was some kind of joke.

I am 16.
I might be boi.

Thanks a lot <333
</>>Brice Brian Faliciano Ivan Brittnie<<
Tell me about itt...
Last edited: 14 November 2010

‹Moi→Nerd is in Despair› says:   14 November 2010   284022  
This is not your fault. They handled this wrongly, and they didn't
reassure you. You can contact the social services, they can contact
your mom - it's illegal for her to have no contact unless she has a
good reason.
Biihtei says:   14 November 2010   555485  
@  KawaiiKoneko  :
hm, I guess I could. 
I will consider it/might to that when i'm 18, if i were to do that now
father would be all "why do you need to know, your families right
here, yaddayadda yip yip "
&thanks& you always make me look on the good side of the truth, haha
your so nice (': 
‹Moi→Nerd is in Despair› says:   14 November 2010   379332  
Thanks ^3^
You always cheer me up with your diaries (when they're not serious
Biihtei says :   14 November 2010   417306  
@  KawaiiKoneko  :
Your welcome (:
Really? awhh, I didn't know that. x)
Lately they're kinda just me questioning myself and getting angry and
then their are the completely random ones I sometimes don't even know
what i'm talking about xD
haha >>dorkk 

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