Tuesday, 5 October 2010
10:31:23 PM (GMT)
Oh my FUCKING god! Excuse my french-Bowie but I can't believe it, This bitch wants
to come in and act like she's been here the entier time. She thinks she's my motehr
but she'll never be. And if that ugly motherfucking bastard marries my father like
she wants to I swear I'll probably end up killing myself or start doing drugs.
WHY?!?! no not because I want attention, so everybody will fucking hate me even more
and WANT me dead and gone! I don't want to do drugs, but at this point, -i'm
so fucking pissed off i don't give a shit anymore. I WANT to make everyone hate me
now. Sure, I want to be different from everyone else, especially all these scumbags
in my family. They never let me hang out with my friends! And when ever I do they
take that big-over exaggerated sigh like all adults do and lower their voice and yell
"OHKAYYY WHATEVERRRRR" I feel like throwing this fucking keyboard at the wall. I feel
like crying. maybe i'm just a crybaby?,...yeah-that's it.... I don't do things to try
and get attention, it's just the way I am...
OK. SO WHY AM I WRITING THIS OUT SO YOU CAN READ IT?!?!? HUH?!?!?
WELL I WILL TELL YOU WHY
This Saturday will be my first homecoming dance.
Of course- i don't have a date, I'm not sane and pretty enough for that-no never....
but I WAS gonna go with my friends..... Ya'know,... how friends get together at one
friends house and hang-out , eat dinner, then get ready and go to the dance together?
Like BFF's? like their isn't a care in the world? Your with your friends laughing and
having a GREAT FUCKING TIME!!!?!?!?!?!?
Well, I told my friends I'd "Definitely be there," and smiled- because I thought I'd
BUT NOO!! THEY CAN'T LET ME!! I might have too much FUN or something!!!!
DUDE, I will still have 3 FUCKING HOMECOMING DANCES AFTER THIS CHILL.
I'm not angry because I can't go (well i am a little), I'm REALLY angry because ,
because I said "I'll definitely be there" with a smile and now I can't be there, that
makes me a FUCKING LIAR!! LIKE THE REST OF MY SHITTY FAMILY!! I HATE THIS! I HATE
THEM! I Hate myself the most for lying.... I should have said-"I dunno-Le'mme go home
and ask" with a smile. BUT NO!! I'm to FUCKING STUPID!! WITH MY RETARDED ASS SLOWNESS
AND STUPIDITY NOT TO MENTION DYSLEXIA, ADD/ADHD AND OCD FUCKING GODDD.
so now I can't go,..... they said they wanna do my hair and make-up,,... they wanna
see me in the dress... god they're so selfish....
I know i sound like a jerk when i say this but-I really do wonder if i'd cry at their
maybe.. i honestly don't have a fucking clue...
they said i could only go with friends to a dance that wasn't big and i wear jeans
to. UHH I'LL PROBABLY WEAR A FUCKING DRESS FOR ALL OF THEM YOU FUCKING HIPPIES! So,
they don't want me to look nice with and around my friends.
Sometimes, I wonder If I should tell my father i'm transgender.... just so i can
brake his heart.....
I really want to right now,....
I want to go to his face and tell him i should have been a boy and i could go on
living a happy gay day alone. I hate being home. but they won't ever let me go any
where or else" *BIG SIGH* I'M TOO BUSYYY, YOU WON'T HAVE A WAY HOMEEEE, BLAHBLAH
I love school- sure,.. I'm stupid and get picked on.... I don't care--school is my
sanctuary-the one place I can really get away and just be myself.
what i really hate the most is that that bitch comes along and starts yelling...
one night i was soo fucking angry i wanted to punch her in the jaw, but i just left
the room and sort of slammed my door really hard- which is why it's broken now, but
they were drunk so they dunno why it's broken. because drunks are fucking annoying
I can remember it so clearly-she was yelling , saying " THAT BITCH MOTHER OF YOURS IS
THE ONE WHO LEFT-I'M THE ONE WHO STAYED-DAMMIT!!" yeah right- you've only been in
this picture for 2 years now , and you act like you've been here all my life...
Sure.. my mom wasn't exactly here all my life either.
A lot of people ask me where my mom is.... in honestly.. I haven't a clue...
She obviously didn't love me or my sister though, or else she would have stayed and
took care of me. okay's here what happened with my mom, my REAL mom, not this fake
ass bitch who came in one day and decided to play house.
I have a REALLY bad memory, so this is all I remember-and it's not a lot either..
I remember my mom crying a lot-wwhich is probably why I cry a lot- but i've been
trying really hard lately to put and end to that nonsense. No one wants to hire or be
friends with a crybaby. ANYWAYS!. I was standing in the living room crying one
evening, and my mother had on a black shirt. i think it was, and a backpack-telling
me she was just going to go visit my grandfather down in Texas. I remember crying
really loud and a lot-telling her not to go and that i'd miss her, my sister was just
a baby then so she doesn't remember mom at all. She waved goodbye-walked out the
front door,.. and I never saw here again.... It's been a total of 8 years now... and
i can barely remember her. god I hate myself- i'm such a horrible person. I guess it
is my fault this fake ass bitch and several of my other father's gf's came along
though. I remember one night, I had a dream about my mom-of course i don't remember
the dream anymore-but all i remember is that i woke up crying and went into my dad's
room and told him i missed mom when he asked me why i was crying. I don't remember
getting hugged at all, just crying myself to sleep. Which i did a lot. but it's hard
growing up a girl and not even having your birth mother around to help you out or
even laugh with. I always have this slight sliver of hope that someday she'll come
back. even if it's just for a day, I'd be happy enough i could die the next day.
hah,.. look at me- I really am pathetic, huh?
I always rant on these stupid diary entries that probably no one even reads all
I would keep writing but,.. I have a headache and so... I can;t think straight right
now- I just need to get rid of some of this anger, and I havn't cried in a long time
either, I don't want to but a good cry is good every once and awhile...
No diary question this time...
I really am sorry, Please forgive me, If you would...
I hope it rains tomorrow.......