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This diary entry is written by ‹J▲C K›. ( View all entries )
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i did a shit load of thinking last night,Category: (general)
Friday, 18 June 2010
10:49:02 PM (GMT)
and i can't remember half of what i wanted to say. i don't even know where this
entry is going to end up, or what topics i'm going to run into. i just really feel
like typing everything out of my brain. to those that find girls talking about their
boyfriends annoying, get out. alot of this is going to be about him. i find i can
hardly talk directly to people about things like this because i have a pretty low
connection from my brain to my mouth. that's why typing is easier. everything comes
out more naturally. which is terrible, really. anywaaay. i've come to realize that
there is only one thing i don't like about markus. the amount of drugs he's done, and
the amount he's doing now. and really, i'm glad that he's reached a state where he
just doesn't care about what people think, and that he can be so free. i'm jealous,
actually. i wish i could be like that. be so free from what people think, and be able
to enjoy the moment, rather than concern about the future. i wish i could have at
least one day like that, it would be great. it would keep me from thinking, which i
do alot. mainly why i'm typing all this; i think too much, and it gathers and gathers
in my brain, until i need to let it out. i'm off topic already! i wish i could
somehow erase those 3 months from his life, where he went absolutely crazy. either
that, or i wish i had 3 months like that, so we could be equal. it bothers me that i
might outlive him. and yeah, i am thinking that far ahead. i don't understand why
people freak out so much when people think ahead. i mean, i think it's fun. both mark
and i have already talked about the future, and we're both sure that we're not
leaving each other. it just works out that way for people sometimes, i guess. no need
to get freaked out, or preach "you're too young!". i know once i'm able to move out,
i'm moving in with him. i might even do it next year. most likely not though, because
he'll be in 12B, and he probably won't move out until he's in Brock. but when he goes
to Brock, i'll be moving in with him. and i'm excited. i wish i could skip ahead a
few years. i think we first started talking about the future when we were out and we
saw a bunch of cute older couples holding hands. we both agreed that we will do that
when we're older. then we started talking about cats, because we both hate children.
we've decided on 6, all of which will have extremely obscure but amazingly cute
names. one thing i don't understand is how two people can be so.. i don't know.. made
for each other? that probably sounds so cliche. but there is nothing i can say about
all this that won't sound cliche. i also can't understand how a guy can be so god
damn perfect. he says the cutest things at the perfect times, and sometimes at the
most random times. we'll be playing video games, and it'll be quiet, and he'll just
say "i love you". i feel like i shouldn't be letting all of this out of my brain.
it's selfish, but i want to keep this paradise for myself. i want to lock it up in my
head and never let it out. i want to shove my hand down my throat and grab all the
butterflies out of my stomach and keep them in a jar. and among all of these amazing
feelings, there's this massive amount of fear. fear that it'll all be gone one day,
even though i'm assured many times a day that it won't. i'm positive that fear will
always be there, because it's natural. once you have something so amazing and
perfect, it's only a matter of time until you love it so much, you're scared to lose
it. but it just feels that much better once you're assured again. so i'm going to
stop with that now. i'm going to lock all of this up, and hurry it back into my mind
for me to keep. and i'll try and move onto a new topic. i think i might give up on
piano. it's terrible, because i think of it as a language. something i want to speak
so badly, but i can't find the voice or anything like that. once i fully learn, i'll
probably be a happier person, because that would be how i could vent anger. if i
could just whip up songs like nothing, i would vent through that. i wish i could stop
thinking. just for a day. i honestly think i may have a problem. this may be normal,
and i could just be paranoid, but being able to think of like, 4 things at the same
time cannot be normal. i can't even describe the feeling, it just happens. this is
why i can't sleep sometimes. i'll go weeks with around 3 hours of sleep each night.
i'll just lay there, and my mind won't stop. i should stop this, actually. i probably
sound insane! i've let everything out of my brain already, but i still feel like i
should be letting something else out. i'm hungry, goodbye.

‹DasAtem› says:   18 June 2010   909438  
Well I think a lot too.
And because of this I realize I need to write a diary entry.
I haven't done so for a long time
and a lot has happened.

And, like I said
I think a lot too.
Like, I'll go through EVERY scenario possible
in almost any situation
sometimes it's over the top.
And I worry a lot
I kinda understannnd. (:
‹J▲C K› says :   18 June 2010   110484  

oh do it. it helps alot, sometimes lolol
and it's not even that i go through scenarios
and shit like that, it's like i obsess over them
and you would never know when i'm thinking about them
i'm not even spaced out when i do, i could be in the middle
of a conversation, just like when i said i can think of four
things at once without confusing myself. it's so weird how
that happens though. and the speed of how things go
through my mind, it's like a fucking train.
crazy shit. 


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