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This diary entry is written by BillieMcTazz. ( View all entries )
 
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I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow.Category: stupidity
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
06:14:02 AM (GMT)
If ever people are to be classified by adjectives, I am of the Bizarre category. Almost frightening, I must say so. Offtimes, I've received comments on how I come off as intimidating to most individuals. I've been told that I seemingly hold this immense imperium which mockery itself could never, in a million years, emulate. I don't smile. I barely talk. I am an enigma. I, as well, am not easy to please, which is why I could only care less about falling in love. *gags* Ah yes. The subject of 'love'. I confess that it is what I had come to write about. There is something about theoppositesex which intrigues me. I have not a certain 'type' as most everyone, perhaps, has. And I had not gone beyond the point of mere infatuation either. Which is probably the best way to describe this 'emotion' or what ever. Infatuation. LIEK WUT, SRSLYYY?!?!?!!11 LOLOLOLOLOOL~ Well, trust me, I have never felt this way for years. And it bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me. Yet, there is nothing wrong with it, is there? I guess it is just the thought of it that perturbs me. I've told myself that I ought to rid of these childish crushes for they mean nothing at all to me. But guess what? Here we go again, and, hello nine-year old self. ;p He's not the most colorful person in the world. And I guess he never will be. More on the weird side, I guess, but, in an indescribable manner. I remember some months ago, while all were dancing and laughing, he was just there. Out the window he was looking. At times, he would stare down the floor as if contemplating a new thought. He never spoke. If ever he uttered one word, he said it with little confidence, haste, and all but shyness within. I awaited myself to sit next to him and ask what the matter was. I, however, never had the courage to ask, for fear of faltering words and gestures he would not understand. I can't bear to look him in the eye every time we converse, lest, I won't help but smile. It is incredible how coquettish I become when around this person, save, I treat him so delicately. Almost as if he's porcelain. Three weeks ago, I had a proper colloquy with him (as good as proper, rather). And he was exactly how I had pictured him. Fascinating. There is something screwed-up about him, which I can't seem to put my mind into. I know that he lacks positivity, and self-esteem, even. Turns out that he's the sort who doesn't know his place in the world. Oftentimes, he feels almost empty. . . abstruse, and for that, misunderstood. He talked of how redundant he seems even to himself. And how unlikeable he considers himself to be. I told him that he was just being emo and there are people out there who admires him a lot. But, of course, I'm not about to tell him that I am one of those - even when he asked me, "who?" It is almost heartbreaking when he asked, "why me?" since I told him that I have taken upon some interest on him. At one point, he, as well, asks me what I had at first thought of him. . . like he needed someone to introduce him to himself. Yet, it was so hard to say something. Truth be told, he was never really there. He was transparent, silent, a niche in the background. Until one particular day, he just became beautiful to my eyes. But I never told him these. Now I can't say that we're different people. He and I. We are very much similar, even when he thinks not. To him, I am the sort who deserves respect and admiration for the 'popularity' that I had garnered. That he was nobody to me. And perhaps, I should not even be talking to him. Oh how gorgeous this ignorance is. Does he really think that I am that ordinary? (: These few words and this one moment. There's the talking and there's the presence of ardour. It is an immense emotion; you won't be able to fight it. Together, we discover secrets and make sure that the efforts of crossing these boundaries pay off. For one moment, not only are you free, but, there is also happiness. When did we ever let go of this happiness, might I ask? I found out something about him. And it rips my heart each time I ponder upon it. Neither of us could bring ourselves to converse with each other anymore. And it's not such a good feeling.
Last edited: 15 December 2009

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