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Epiphany 1 (AKA Random dribble and analysis of myself)Category: Epiphanies and Rants
Saturday, 4 October 2008
03:06:30 AM (GMT)
Well I was thinking and I realized that I have absolutely no real control over my
emotions. If I'm sad, no matter how much I smile, you can hear it. When I'm upset,
even when I really don't care, I start crying. When I'm happy I smile constantly. If
I don't like someone they automatically get uncontrollable looks. And yet no one
seems to get me, and I'm just that obvious. When I'm sad Megan thinks I'm angry.
Cassandra can never tell when she's making me sad. I guess maybe it's that my emotion
is obvious but they don't understand why I feel that way. 

Earlier I called someone, I don't remember who (aka I refuse to say who) and they
were so mean! The basic giste of the conversation was "what do you want? that's all?
bye." I said hi they asked why'd I call, I said I just wanted to say hi and they're
like "hi, bye." and I was like "oh...okay....um..bye." and then they hung up.
(Although there was tiny bit more said I was really upset and when I think about I
want to cry even though I've chosen my stance on the topic.)

If someone is mean to me, no matter who they are, they could be mean everyday I'll
still be the same amount of upset and start crying. I think that has a tiny bit to
deal with my self-esteem. It's illegally low. Therefore I'm terrified or being
mistreated or rejected. Therefore I trust very few people. Therefore I have 3 really
good friends, one being my cousin, the other being Cassandra and I'm not sure I'll
keep the third. 

About the rejection thing, it's not so much being rejected as it is how they say it.
I've always been sensitive to the way things are said. (which is partly why I think I
didn't like that conversation). To me say "oh that's amazing!" when you're not paying
attention is like saying "whatever." Maybe I read too much into things but I can't
help it. 

I have a lot of insecurities, some of them have only recently formed. I'll list them,
more for myself than anyone else I guess.
1. My appearance, I've never though I was a very pretty girl, which is of course what
I want to be, I just think if you're glancing at me or only talking to me once your
first thought would be "ew"
2. My weight, always been a bit chunky. People act like it's not important even
though it obviously is when you use it as an insult for someone who likes to eat. 
3. I'm too clingy- although you wouldn't know it I like being close to people my age
and having actually contact with people. For a while I didn't like hugs because they
were awkward, I wasn't hugged much as a little kid. In fact I remember staying really
(like actually trying not to move) still when my mom was holding me because she was
so fucking ADD she'd let go if I moved a lot.
4. I'm too possessive- I'm used to having friend that are  MY friends. That's it,
it's me and them and that's it no one else. If I don't know them they're not part of
the friend deal. But that sort of changed as I got older. Now my friends have a bunch
of friends and I'm scared of being replaced. They say it'll never happen but I can
easily see how it will and how it does considering I had a different Best friend
every year in elementary school because something bad kept happening to them
5. I've never had a boy friend lol it doesn't seem like that big a deal when you've
had at least one before. Also people who've had other people have crushes on them
also don't get this. (Honestly no one has ever had a crush on me or like me, swear to
god) people say it doesn't matter, what other people think of you I mean, but it does
really. what people think of you does somewhat have to do with how you look. I've
noticed that. TO THE POINT- Never having someone say "You look pretty." other than
your family and friends. It's hard to tell the pity/suck-up/polite compliments from
the genuine ones. And since the way you say it is important to me, it's worse. I
don't trust people when they do say "I love you." or "You look nice." As far as guys
go- With everything else going it it's like you get into the mindset of "he's out of
your league"  It's a really sore topic for me. I wouldn't even know how to be
someone's girlfriend. 
6. People pretend to feel this way about me when the feel the opposite- I don't want
someone around me, talking bad about me behind my back when they don't like me or
even if they're just mad at me for a little while. 

I'm pretty weird I don't want perfection, I want normality but I still want to be an
oddball in that normality. I don't want the perfect guy, but I want someone who likes
me as much as I like them and we have good conversations. 

Then that makes me wonder... Are the things I'm insecure about things everyone is
insecure about and if you say that how can you know they impact my feelings the same
way being that I am someone else. Saying that it's the same in diminishing how I feel
about it right? 

I'd be happy if:
I think I'd be happy if I lived somewhere peaceful out in the woods where appearances
didn't matter and there were no obligation. No internet and no awkwardness because
there'd be nothing to be awkward about. If there was nothing to debate and nothing to
worry about, just nature and the people you like most of all, together without the
social norms that make like more difficult than you could ever believe. No
celebrities, just equals livings all around the board. Unfortunately I've lived 14
years with just the opposite of that, can't go there now or ever.

I think that next time I feel like crying I won't hold it in at all, I'll just let it
out and be rid of it. I don't cry hardly enough.
Last edited: 4 October 2008

‹SqueeneyTodd› says:   4 October 2008   686573  
Well, I don't think I can agree on the no internet thing, but I think
I understand most of what you said. My emotions are out of my control
sometimes. Like, I could really want to cry, so my head hurts if I try
to hold it in. It's like I know I want to cry, but I try not to. I
have a very hard time with my emotions.
Music_and_Medicine says:   4 October 2008   316839  
lol yea the internet isn't that bad I guess

I wonder if it's  a girl thing?

OH OH! I read some of your writing and I was like "OMG WOW!!!" and
yeah...just wanted to say that.
‹SqueeneyTodd› says:   4 October 2008   956568  
Thanks! My friend Kirti thinks that I write better than SMeyer, but
that isn't saying much.
Music_and_Medicine says :   4 October 2008   222469  
LOL At least she thinks you're good enough to be published

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