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something I wrote last night while I was on hydrosCategory: Fuck
Sunday, 15 November 2015
01:17:22 PM (GMT)
When will all this pain pay off? 
When will all this pain finally pay off? 
Can I give you the privilege of abusing me? 
I’ll trust you to do a good job, with breaking my heart. 
Squeeze it between your hands until it crumbles into dust. 
There is evil and I try to convince myself it isn’t me. 
I’m becoming a child and can’t communicate when it’s dark outside. 
When will all this pain pay off? 
When will it be my turn to change the world? 
When will it be my turn to paint the sky? 
All I want to do is make something that can change a heart. 
I force my heart to breathe even when it kills me because changing my heart is what
keeps me alive. I am ephemeral. 
I know everything I’ve ever dreamed or seen, but is it worth anything if it never
leaves my mind? 
It’s an intimate high. I love it. And I’ll hate it later. But I love it for now.

I’m evil, who am I kidding? I just want someone to love me. But I’m evil. 
I’m a doll, and a bug, and a crow. I’m inverted and perverted and submerged. 
Everyone who falls in love with me suffers. I make sure of it by loving them back. 
I regret any pain I have ever caused anyone. I regret, and I’m weak. 
Lying naked on the floor, drinking blood or wine.
I’m so fucked up, I can’t tell the difference. 
I used to try to play the piano. But I sort of gave up. 
Or at least, I haven’t tried in such a long time. 
I’ll never know why nightmares are so attracted to me, only that they are moths and
I am the flame. 
Please, will someone just love me? Will anyone ever know me? 
I love the comedown almost as much as the high. 
Please, please, please, someone, just love me. 
I will give you the privilege of abusing me. 
It’s a beautiful thing, I am made of broken glass. 
Just touch me. You won’t feel the pain until we’re done. 
You won’t realize beautiful evil is still ugly. 
I can feel every color as a best friend. 
If anyone ever loves me, I’ll be amazed. 
I’ll be amazed. 
When will all this pain pay off? 
Drugs love me. Thank God for drugs. 

Don’t hate me. I know I’m evil. And weak. But please try to understand, euphoria
loves me. Intimately, from inside out. How can I turn that down when depression is
rotting away everything that mattered to me?

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