Friday, 25 April 2014
03:29:00 PM (GMT)
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry and umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle.
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor
asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her
ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around,
I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure
enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to
the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes???
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money
and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your financial education?" he asks.
"Yale," replies the lad. The manager is sure he's misheard the man, so he asks his
question again and the man again responds "Yale."
That can't be right, thinks the manager. He decides he's going to check it out
"And what's your full name again?" asks the manager.
Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and
All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken
to me in over six months."
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you
better think it over; women like that are hard to find."
A blonde, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services as a
"handy woman" and started canvassing an affluent nearby neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd
jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that
our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "She was just up here, how could she have missed it?"
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.
"Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks.
"That depends," says the doctor. "Do you smoke?"
"No." "Do you drink?"
"Do you fool around with loose women?"
"Of course not."
"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live
for another 40 years?"
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night, and she always yells at him
before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that
night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and
gives him a back rub.
"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs
"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home,
A woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father
died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer
walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically
belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one
feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he
kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him
in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense
pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he
staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
59. A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes
he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love
to fill that with ice cream and eat it!"
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts
disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you
shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going
to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I
had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked
for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher
hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?" Raising his voice, he continues, "Or if I
had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
The clerk quietly replies, "Um, because this is Home Depot."
A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with
no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and
begins eating it raw.
A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered
In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have
to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"
"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "if I had to describe it, I'd say it tasted
something like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries
"Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"
"No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"
A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking
lot and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man
in the driver's seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a
The officer knocks on the driver's window and asks what's going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the young lady in the
backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" asks the officer.
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes she'll be 18."
A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit
says, "Don't do that. Come running with me. It's much more fun!" The deer takes off
with the rabbit. They come across an elephant doing coke. "Come running with us,
elephant," says the rabbit. “You'll feel so good!" The elephant decides to join in
the fun, and the whole groups goes off running.
The animals encounter a lion
about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a
huge paw and knocks it unconscious. The deer screams, "Lion, what are you doing? He's
trying to help us!" The lion answers, "That loser makes me run around the forest like
an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!"
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked
along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his
mother's, and asked her why.
The mother told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Satisfied
with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother
that many of the men have larger "pee-pees" than his dad.
His mother explained, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Again,
satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, "Daddy is
talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he
A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I
told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the
receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer
died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a
room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the
At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry
to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're
"Wow! That's a fantastic idea!" he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.
"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The
zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes
available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing
to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to
have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper
agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need about a week to come up with the $500.
A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your
carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and
whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine.
"What the hell was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written
on it," she replied.
"But you don't understand," he pleaded. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary
Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in
the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he
came to, he asked, "What was that for?" he pleaded.
"Your horse just called!"
A man walks up to a woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?"
She quickly replies, "Yes."
So then he asks, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"
Astounded by the question she says, "Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I
He says, "Well we've already determined that. Now I'm just working on the price."
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer
fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I'm thinking in the range of $125,000 a
year or so, depending on the benefits package."
"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks' vacation, 14
paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50
percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a Porsche?"
The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."
A man walks into a bar and sees a miniature man sitting on a table playing a
He's fascinated and watches the man play for a few minutes, then asks the bartender,
"How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?"
The bartender replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish."
"And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?"
"Well, not exactly."
Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman
says, "Please be careful with me—I'm a virgin."
The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before."
"I know," she says. "But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do
was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at
it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's actually a talking clock."
"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God’s sake…it's
3:30 in the goddamn morning!"
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his
"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.
The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a
wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk
explains. "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at
him. He's too afraid to cough."
Q: What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler.