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This diary entry is written by ‹Saudade›. ( View all entries )
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Perfection Doesn't Exist.Category: (general)
Monday, 12 December 2011
09:51:42 PM (GMT)
The flashbacks flicker through my eyes like a blank canvas. Dates. Images. Words. it's all a lie I don't know what these movie clips I keep seeing are But their not mine That girl might resemble a soft echo of the past But It's not me. It's not. I don't recognize that girl. And I'm sure you don't either I can see it in your eyes. The chilling look of displacement. The look you get only when I cross your vision. So why do you keep pressuring me to be her? I don't know this girl. Who the hell is she? "What have you done to yourself?" No. "What the hell have you done to her?" That is the question. You keep trying to twist and mold me Into someone I'll never be Something that fails to exist. It never will exist. At least not within me. I'm not perfect. I can swear to you, I never will be. You can try and force me to be all you want. But it won't happen. That little girl With long blonde curls And bright blue eyes Who always smiled? She's dead. She died inside of me long ago The moment you turned brutal. The moment you layed your dirty hands on my siblings. The moment that man scarred my soul. And tainted it for his personal enjoyment. The moment you lashed out at me. The moment the people I once trusted, and still do trust Tore me into pieces. And charred me to ash. Do you know what my past--my life consists of? Layers and layers of scars. Overlapping scars smeared in dried blood. I'll say it over, and over again. I'm sorry. Sorry for being such a appointment's. Sorry for being easy to use. Sorry for being so naive. Sorry for having so much trouble coping. Sorry for being depressed. Sorry for having PTSD. Sorry for making it through your attempted abortion. Sorry for even needing any kind of psychiatric help. Sorry I couldn't deal with your abuse better. Sorry for not being good enough for you to love me Like you love her. Sorry for not being able to take your pain away. Sorry for not being stick thin. Sorry for being me. But I will not. Not. Be sorry for living. I am going to take the life you've given me. The life you've repeatedly abused. And make the damn best out of it. I'll live it up-- so much better than any of the people who hurt me ever could. I'll be a fucking amazing parent. I'll support myself. I'll find someone who truly loves me. I'll be happy with myself. I'll be proud of who I am. And then. I'll go up to you, and tell you thank you. For treating me as fucked up as you all did. Because without you're scars. I would've never became the kind of person I'll be. sosuckonthat
Last edited: 24 January 2012

‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   24 January 2012   236584  
You're beautiful, Ally.
‹Saudade› says :   24 January 2012   325766  
Holyfuck o-o
I love how you creep on my older dairies, 
I completely forget about this day. This journal.
But after re-reading it it''s all come back to me o-o 

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