Friday, 26 March 2010
12:52:58 AM (GMT)
I fail at life. I have four A's, one B, three C's, and one big fat D that's
starting to look like a F. I've been absent from school for 20 days, most of them,
except about one, is from sickness. And now my Chem teacher totally hates my guts,
and it seems that every moment she can try to hurt me, she does. She made me cry
twice, and I hope she doesn't know I'm crying. But when a teacher says that your
pulling other students down (with grades) and starts making fun of you in front of
the class (of course no one knew that it was me who had the D, but still). I'M SICK!
And she totally starts talking about the girl student with a D and I was already
depressed that day to begin with. I'm like serious. Really? Really? Come on. You
think I'm trying to fail! Euh! And my conservatory teachers are no better! And mark
me down a letter grade because I was absent. Fuck you assholes.
Could you believe it at the beginning of the year I was perfectly fine. Then
something happened. I don't really know what. But I started to feel really
depressed to the point that I couldn't do anything. Not really. Not mentally at
least. I mean I was forced to perform for school and all, I'm kinda in musical
theater. When I was depressed and people asked if I was alright, I just said I was
tired. Besides, I would sometimes get six or less hours of sleep sometimes because
of new ideas for rps. But for a while now I've not posted in a single rp. I started
thinking of one, but then it past. I'm screwed! I'm fucking screwed! How can I get
into NYU with a 2.5 and two C's in conservatory classes? It's just not going to
happen. I'm going to fail. When people say they fail at life, it usually just some
stupid thing, ya know? But no. I'm serious! If I don't go to NYU or Yale (but I'll
never get in there, not now) and just go to some stupid community college with stupid
idiots around me. Well I don't know what to do. I'm scared.
Yesterday I "confessed" that I was depressed, or at least that was my reasoning for
missing assignments. It's that I felt so depressed that I just couldn't do it, just
couldn't sit down and just finish the homework like usual. My mom today said maybe
this is all just PMS or something. Well I looked up what the hell PMS was
specifically, and I don't have it. Because any of my episodes (what I call the
depressed states of mind) are random and happen any time. They are no way linked to
when I have a period I can assure you that. So I don't know. I've just secluded
myself in my room from the world. My parents hardly noticed any of this for the past
year until my grades came in and shocked them... a lot. And then they kinda had a
blast of it today when I came all depressed. They started asking questions. Well,
dad did. And I started to cry, and I tried to pretend everything was alright. And
you know parents, they start asking personal questions. And that just makes
everything worse. So I switched the conversation that had nothing to do with me
(about some guy painting his pool 'cause we were driving home). Then (when I'm
home) I ask my mom a simple question (dad in the room), and she answered of course
asking why, and then I totally blew up, at first trying to avoid questioning. And
since I raised my voice, she raised hers and we were in an argument. Why can't
parents leave you alone when you want to be left alone? Can't they wait till you're
ready to explain? At least for this situation it would have been nice. Then I
wouldn't have yelled at them. God, my head-ache hurts! Advil works for a bit, but
then it goes away and I have a major head-ache.
So now I don't know what's going to happen to me. I think maybe i'm gona go to a
shrink or something. I really just want to be left alone, I really do. I've never
really been normal in my in whole life, but I wish I could be mentally stable. And
not going all over the scale. Goddamn it. I HATE THAT CONDUCTER! He's such a pain.
And he's so mean. Ya know, maybe if he wasn't so stuck up people would pay attention
to him. But he's a fat, mid-aged, short, Mexican guy that totally doesn't give a
brake to a fourteen year old kid. I mean seriously he doesn't have to be that rude
to my friend just because he forgot his train ticket for the first time. Give the
kid a fucking brake you asshole! Jeez, people can be such jerks.
Sorry if any of my language use upset your eyes, but right now I don't care a fuck
about your eyes.
P.S. I used to have Panic Attacks, like really bad panik attacks to the point that my
parents were thinking about sending me to a shrink. And the shrink thing totally
scared me, just the idea of it.
Last edited: 26 March 2010