Sunday, 20 March 2011
06:10:36 PM (GMT)
Bloody years ago...
Do you remember?
When I told you how I felt? And you said I was ugly and fat. And maybe I was. But I
didn't mean to be. If I could help it I would. But all I wanted was to be yours. So I
worked hard. It wasn't easy but I mastered the art of living without eating; I found
it wasn't so different from living without love; something I had already adapted to.
All those times when I forced myself to throw up. When I went for days without
eating. When I used a knife to carve the words 'i wish i was beautiful' into my skin.
Did you ever know about any of that? Where were you? And..when it hurt and when I
wanted to give up. One thought kept me going. I was doing this for you. I had to
become someone that you would want. I spent hours, endless time perfecting my
appearance. I used chemicals and scissors and even surgery to transform myself. It
burned. But I welcomed the pain. Because the more it hurt the closer I was
Bloody years later.
I'll never forget.
Now I wear oversized clothing to hide this body I destroyed. This body I ripped apart
for you. Was I really ugly? Was I really fat? I'll never know. I can't even remember
what I used to look like. I never found out who I was. All I know is that I was
always yours. Even though you didn't want me. I was... I am disgusting. A skeleton...
and now here I am, sitting in a dark room. With my hair falling out in clumps and my
nails chewed down till they bleed and eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep and my ears
are always always ringing I see colours swim I hear your voice I heard about some
other girl you love well good luck she better be a fucking angel for you because I've
turned myself into a demon trying to be your angel and I can't go back ever ever ever
and I can't live but I can't quite die and it's dark here but where am I what has my
life become I wonder how your life is I'll stay far away I don't want to scare you
I'm so ugly........
Last edited: 20 March 2011