Tuesday, 17 August 2010
03:51:46 PM (GMT)
I have an older brother, but to me, a big brother and an older brother are
different. Yes, they both mean a brother who was born before you… but to me, an
older brother is just a brother who is older than you. That’s it. A big brother is
someone who loves you and cares about you and thinks of you as his wonderful, cute
little sister. I try so hard to do nice things and to make my brother happy and to
share with him and just to hint to him that I love him. He and I used to be close
when we were little, but we’re not anymore. He has a group of friends, most of them
HATE me. They all used to be my friends too since we’ve all known each other since
we were born because we’re all generally around the same age. But as they all got
older they became closer to each other.
I’m not super skinny, but I’m not super fat! But most of the girls in our
association (Filipino-Canadian association) are skinny. Whenever I see brothers and
sisters who actually like each other, they’re both skinny! All the girls in the
association are friends with the guys and I feel left out. They ALWAYS troll me. My
brother is leaving for an exchange trip to Japan on the 26th and one of his friends
Facebook chat’d me and said that he said he was happy he was leaving because he
wouldn’t see me every day anymore. I knew he was lying, but my brother never
defended me and he knew what his friend was saying. It’s all just jokes.
One day, I decided to stand up for myself after I had enough, and I posted a note to
Facebook to my brother and his friends and I talked about how much I miss him and
I’m sick of defending him when my friends make fun of him when he doesn’t defend
me! Then I got a ton of notifications telling me to grow up and they were just joking
around and I didn’t need to cry about it. My brother didn’t leave a comment
though. He didn’t talk to me for about 2 days after that. I guessed I embarrassed
him, so I deleted a note and wrote “I’m sorry. I just love you” as my status.
I know it’s crazy, but I feel like maybe if I were skinnier and prettier and if I
were funnier, maybe he would like me more. Maybe he would stand up for me. Maybe he
would tell me he loved me or he would actually talk to me and have a good
conversation. Maybe it’s my fault that he doesn’t like me. Maybe I could be a
better sister. Maybe if I was less annoying and more impressive… Maybe he would
love me and realize that I don’t just need an older brother, but I need a BIG
brother. Someone who I can hug and tell things to and someone who will always be
there for me.
Am I crazy for thinking this?