Sunday, 28 March 2010
12:45:38 PM (GMT)
Harry: Oh my God, look what I found!
Ron: Is that a book?
Hermione: I know a thing or two about books and that's a book!
Harry: It's not just any book, guys.
Ron: Is it a young adult vampire romance novel?
/10 seconds later
Harry: Anyway, I just happened to find this book in Snape's bedroom in a locked trunk
under his bed. It's his diary!
Ron: Wow! Shall we read it?
Harry: I've got a better idea - Let's read it!
Hermione: Oh what a fascinating character study this will be!
Harry: Ok this is the first entry. Dear diary . . .
Snape's diary: Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavourless and
watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.
Ron: I'm hungry.
Harry: What else is new, fatty? Let's get to the good stuff.
Snape's diary: Today I put on my raincoat and travelled to Nocturne Alley. I
purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought them home, one devoured the other, and
then died of lonliness. I felt envy.
Harry: This is hilarious!
Hermione: Oh look Harry, I see your name!
Ron: Oh, you're good at reading Hermione.
Snape's diary: Today that Potter boy showed me his middle finger. When I attempted to
punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall screaming "Bother, bother" over
and over. Later he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost
consciousness. Tonight I prayed for the first time in 20 years. I prayed for the
Harry: I remember that Ron! Gimme five!
Ron: You already took my money, Harry.
Harry: Never mind..
Snape's diary: I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out to the
entire faculty. Oh cruel attention. Button, oh button, where hath thou fled? Did thee
tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? Did thou roll off my bosom and cease to
exist? How I wish I could follow thee into the mist.
Ron: What's a bosom Harry?
Hermione: Yeah, tell him Harry!
Harry: ..Oh look, another page!
Snape's diary: Today while in the bathtub...
Snape's diary: I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a festerel though a
thunder storm. Every thunder clap resembled into their voices. "Bother, bother."
Suddenlt it became music; I was at the Yule Ball with Lilly Evans. I asked her to
dance. She asked me to die. Would that I could, Lilly, would that I could.
Harry: My mum was awesome!
Snape's diary: When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tempid bathwater. And I
was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy.
Ron: Mmm! I like prunes!
Dumbledore: Did somebody say prunes??
Ron: I said prunes! How did he know?
Dumbledore: What are you onkeys up to? Studying for class?
Harry: No, we're invading Professor Snape's privacy by reading his personal diary
which we stole from his room.
Dumbledore: Ah, you don't have any prunes, do you?
Harry: I'm afraid not.
Dumbledore: I'm very disappointed in you Harry.
Harry: ...Ok, back to the stinky book!
Snape's diary: Today the orange one drank one of my more expensive elixirs. He
promptly vomitted a glittering rainbow of foul waste, and the classroom erupted in
applause, triggering my migrane. I aborted the class and was left to clean the boy's
sick. Halfway through Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affairs with
Hogsmead barmaids. Then he told me I smelt of brocolli and left without wishing me a
happy birthday. I thought of my father. I cried.
Harry: This got boring. Let's write a new entry!
Ron: That's a really fun idea!
Hermione: Here's one of the quills I carry with me at all times!
Harry: Ok. I am Snape...I'm so sad because I poop my pants, all the time...I don't
have any friends because I stink of brocolli and poop...And I teach potions to Harry
Potter, and it's really boring because he's so cool...And it makes me have
depression! Ok, I think I'm gonna go cry now...But not until I've pooped my
Ron: Hehehe! Can I try?
Harry: Be my guest!
Hermione: Ok Ron, that's a good try.
Snape: Huhmm, huh, Somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room... Wait a
minute, that book!What are you doing?
Harry: Snape! Ron stole your diary!
Snape: What?!? You didn't read it, did you?
Harry: Oh he read it alright. He read it ALL.
Snape: This is unacceptable!
Ron: I liked the story about the button, Snape!
Snape: You... you did?
Ron: It made me sad. Thinking about that little button, lost and alone. I hope you
find your button, Snape.
Snape: So do I, Orange One. So do I.
Ron: I like buttons.
Last edited: 28 March 2010