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To Stephenie Meyer From the Vampiric CouncilCategory: (general)
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
02:44:04 AM (GMT)
From the Vampiric Council regarding Stephanie Meyer

Council Chambers
Association of Vampiric Activities Worldwide
1431 Wallachia Ave.
Sighisoara, Transylvania

From the Council Chambers of the Association of Vampiric Activities Worldwide

Regarding those of the Vampire race in the Cullen family and the now-former human
Isabella Swan, with the following issues brought before Stephanie Meyer.

It has come to our attention that your creation's popularity among humans -
particularly adolescent females - has been on the rise as of late. While we do
respect those promoting our kind who achieve fame and glory, we nevertheless must
hold you accountable for promoting several grievous misconceptions about our race.

Grievance the First: Lifestyle

It has been discovered through various interviews with readers and fans that you
claim the following: Vampires do not sleep, breathe, or eat. Additionally, you state
that Edward Cullen drinks animal blood to avoid biting humans. To begin, Vampires
should generally sleep in a coffin containing the soil of their homeland. It is not a
necessity, but it is highly recommended to preserve vitality. This is a fact that has
been laid down since the time of our most ancient ancestor Ch'thon. The concept of
not needing to breathe is foolish. Certainly the more powerful among us consider
breathing a hobby, however a study of the Cullen family reveals that none of them are
at such a level. The consumption of animal blood is something you are only partially
correct on. It is common knowledge that nothing can surpass 100 percent genuine
virgin blood in terms of performance enhancement. Animal blood works in emergencies,
but fresh human blood - preferably virgin - is the status quo.

Furthermore, if our kind were to feed solely on animals with lower-quality blood,
feedings would increase and it would cause potential instability in the planetary
food chain and we could all very well end up extinct.

Grievance the Second: Method

Your portrayal of Edward Cullen in particular is a slight affront to our race. He is
described using reference from the novels in the following way:

"Edward, like all Vampires in the Twilight series, possesses superhuman beauty,
strength, speed, endurance, and agility. His scent and voice are enormously
seductive, so much so that he occasionally sends Bella into a pliant daze entirely by

Our abilities do vary, so thankfully the idea of Edward being a fast mover is not an
affront to us. The rest of the description, however, we take exception to. While the
idea of our race being a sexual one by nature is indeed true, Vampires are quite
adept at restraint of libido. We remain unobtrusive as need dictates, and merely
charming when appropriate. Methods of seduction are to be employed against humans
only when a Vampire has reached a state of mental maturity. The idea that Edward -
being so young mentally - practically radiates lust is ridiculous. If Isabella Swan
is indeed swooning around one such as him, the cause is more than likely akin to a
pungent smother than an aromatic caress.

A requested message from Proinsias Cassidy states that one need not "look like a
total (expletive deleted) wanker t'get some (expletive deleted)." To express things
more eloquently, we wish you would cease writing things in an apparent state of
self-induced arousal.

Grievance the Third: Concerning Isabella Swan

As is most likely obvious by now, the brunt of our displeasure with you seems to
focus on Edward Cullen. Also of concern to us is your handling of the human Isabella
Swan. While member Seras Victoria points out that Vampires can indeed fall in love
with humans, such likelihood seems to fade as the Vampire grows more accustomed to
their lifestyle. The near-immediate conversion to a Vampiric state to further develop
a relationship is permissible and indeed encouraged. Unfortunately in your story, it
seems it takes most of the series before this happens.

By all rights, only a fresh Vampire would be so hesitant to turn the target of their
affection to their kind, as they would still cling to humanity. You state that Edward
has been alive since the early 1900's. He should have shed such a connection to
Humanity by this time. Furthermore, Vampires are generally not driven to attempt
suicide simply because of badly-handled romantic situations.

Grievance the Fourth: Concerning Power

Stated above, powers do vary within, and a Vampire's abilities may even change as
they gain power and status.

Default Vampire powers are the following:
Increased strength
Increased speed
Enhanced senses
Familiars among the animal kind and limited shapeshifting of a related nature

Note that some Vampires may not possess these abilities, and some may possess others.
Edward's current lineup of abilities is largely satisfactory, although we must state
that no human is immune to a Vampire's telepathy. The idea of 'injecting venom into
the heart' to convert a human to a Vampire is nonsense. Drinking a humans blood first
renders them weak, and if a human is severely drained by a Vampire, only then do they
themselves become a Vampire.

Additionally, the concept of Vampires having such varied powers among their own kind
for the reason you describe is largely ridiculous. Vampires gain and perfect powers
as they mature. Please realize that the varied capabilities of the Volturi are
primarily telepathic in basic nature, and that the elementalist abilities of the
Egyptian Coven's member Benjamin is more akin to the misrepresented nature of the
so-called 'ninjas' of "Naruto" rather than the true abilities of any Vampire.

Furthermore, the idea of Vampires sparkling in sunlight is seen by us as truly
nothing more than a foolish plot device. The most powerful of us are merely annoyed
by sunlight, while the vast majority would - as member Proinsias Cassidy describes -
"go up like six tons of Symtex."

Further Comments:

President Vlad Dracula would like to state that even if you were a virgin he would
not drink from you, for it would only sully our race.

Member Proisias Cassidy's message has been removed due to generally inappropriate

Member Saya Otonashi commends you on including a character who wishes to become a
Vampire, however she feels offended that such a character would change so swiftly and
practically throw her character away when changing so.

Member Angelus advises that the next time Edward Cullen feels jilted in his love
life, that he try to sort out the problem himself.

Member Louise de Pointe du Lac recalls his own experience in Human-Vampire relations
and cannot help but wonder how Isabella might have fared if she had met Lestat.

Member Seras Victoria wishes she could sparkle in the sunlight too. She has been

Council Notes:

-We must commend you on the concept of the Volturi, although we find their policies
regarding knowledge of our kind and dislike of Vampire children to be largely

-In anticipation of potential backlash regarding oddities among our own race, we wish
to settle the following disputes here and shortly. First, concerning the unique
nature of Vampires in Saya Otonashi's place of residence, human experimentation has
muddled our kind their. The Chiropteran and Cavalier race are genetic deviants.
Secondly, Proinsias Cassidy has quietly informed us that he had his fangs filed into
normal incisors so as to avoid unwanted attention among humans. Furthermore, Louise
de Pointe du Lac has commented on a new Vampire's need to bite and drink from the one
who created them. This is not a necessary act and it has been concluded that this is
an act done by some to give a Vampire their first blood until they are strong enough
to feed themselves.

-In reference to your typical styles of romance, we have made contact with huntress
Selene concerning her escapades with the Lycanthrope race.

-We are aware that the Count currently living on Sesame st. as well as Count Chocula
do not conform to the standards set by the Council, however their actions and
lifestyle are acceptable as they are useful for drawing in children.

-It is the esteemed belief of this Council that in cinematic portrayals of our race,
Bela Lugosi and Tom Cruise make far better Vampires than Robert Patterson.

Vlad Dracula, Count (President)
Proinsias Cassidy (Head of Human Relations Department)
Saya Otonashi (Deputy Head of Human Relations Department)
Angelus (Redemptions and Counseling)
Louise de Pointe du Lac (Chief Historian)
Seras Victoria (Head of Security)

Post-script: Should you happen to be in contact with the esteemed Mr. Richard O'Brien
before we are, please remind him that Transylvania is not 'trans-sexual', and we have
no record of 'sweet transvestites' living here. The tourists are becoming annoying.


ZeClaudiaDoomThing says :   16 December 2008   776837  
I love this. This is BEYOND awesome. <3


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