Thursday, 3 August 2017
09:55:45 AM (GMT)
another day goes by. one by one the seconds minutes and days of life tick by.. im
still where ive always been, and somewhere else entirely. ive always questioned
existence, the point of it. other than just existing to exist there doesn't seem to
be a reason, just happenstance. we all do die inevitably, some say the point in
broader spectrum is the continuation and flourishing of our race, but really, why? so
what if our race ends up in trillions of years being top dog, every inch of the
universe explored, every secret told, a shopping mall in every galaxy? by existing im
"doing my part" in our race achieving whatever the fuck it wants but me, and many
many others. do. not. give a fuck. we're here, im here, because we were forced to be.
simply bringing my life into this world seems to me to be an act of reckless
spreading of pain. because i dont care what any reason or intention for it is. a life
brought here wasnt its choice, and its not like you could ask it either, but its a
needless existence. why live? why die? either way we'll never know wtf is going on,
or why it should matter to anybody. everything just.. is. and that doesn't sit well
with me. consciousness seems to be a state of imprisonment. indeed we do have several
layers of walls, the first being the ones within our conciousness, the second being
our skull, our bones. then beyond that we buld walls within walls inside of a
spherical dungeon in the middle of a place where escape means inevitable death.
defeat. why why why why WHY WHY!? why do i fucking care or not care? i have no fear
now except that of time, that perhaps in the slight chance being brought into life
means that i can never again return to the empty slumber of nonexistence i had before
life. that now i am doomed forever to live and die forever.
seeing as how the chance of that is really probably zero. still dont care. so then i
dont fear time. i do hate how things can exist and not exist at the same time within
a creature (myself) that exists. i have died. happiest moment of my life. and then...
nothing. blissful nonexistence. but seeing as how that is the case and the creature i
have been born as can think in such intricate and simple ways, have wants and needs
relatively unique to itself and live in a world with many things to pass the time
with, why not waste my time? its mine to waste isnt it? ive tried since to kill
myself for good but it seems impossible without it being accidental. or violent. my
body has an incredible tolerance to substances. my luck, if there is such a thing,
seems only to focus on keeping me alive. gun to my head misfires every round
chambered but on the range fires perfectly without incident. a three story fall
doesn't even sprain an ankle. hanging from an old oak tree and i can still breath
somehow, perfect knot... knife dug deep into my femoral artery clots and seals
itself. being hit by not one but two vehicles left me nothing more than sore.. ive
given up trying. but living is such a bore.. i want to risk my life everyday but to
do so would require spending every possible minute of my life performing tasks for
others for pay untill enough is saved, probably after a decade, to maybe spend a
month doing what i would like. it's maddening. the sacrifice is not worth the payout,
especially since i dont even have a reason to be here and there logically isnt one.
*sigh...* im already exhausted from just 23 years of bullshit.. can't imagine much
more of this. its all just so.. unnecessary.