Friday, 4 July 2014
12:50:24 AM (GMT)
How To Be A Cool Kid: A Guide by Alexis
Step One: Learn to Talk Like a Cool Kid
A cool thing to do is to reverse common phrases.
Everybody uses the same old slang, but to be a cool kid you have to put a new spin on
the old expressions.
For example, instead of saying, "That is so gay," say "That is so straight."
(This is not only cool but also comes with a bonus: It's not gay-shaming.)
Or, instead of "God damn it" you could say "Satan holy it."
Just say the opposite of the original phrase.
Step Two: Impress People
There are a myriad of ways to impress people, but here are a few that I would
If you are talented, develop your talent as much as you can and impress people with
If you aren't talented at all, just be the weirdest little shit ever:
Send your friends encrypted messages. Send them long texts in a secret code that they
This will make you seem mysterious and enigmatic.
Another important way to impress people is to be athletic.
Practice running while leaning forward with your arms straight out behind you, like
Sonic the Hedgehog or Naruto.
This will make you run extra fast, and strangers and friends alike will stare in awe
at your abilities.
Another great thing to do is tell people you have super powers.
Make friends will gullible people. The less cool your friends are, the more cool you
Step Three: Be Independent
Get a job and generate the currency.
Step Four: Dress Like A Cool Kid
Cool kids only buy their clothes at thrift shops.
The idea is to look like you barely noticed what you threw on that morning.
You only wear clothes because you have to. Don't try to match anything or look
The idea is to look like you don't care about anything, especially your appearance.
Bonus points if you don't wash your hair.
Step Five: Abuse Walmart
Steal everything you need from Walmart.
Dress up in weird costumes and go creep on people in the isles.
Take whipped cream off the shelves, get high off it, then leave it in a random isle.
Video tape you and your Cool Kid friends fucking shit up.
Ride bikes and skateboard and open stuff and leave it laying around.
Bonus: Extra points awarded if you yell at strangers from your car window as
your drive by, or turn up your music really loud and rock out, but don't do that if
you're downtown in a big city because you'll probably get shot.
[Disclaimer: Not my fucking fault if you get shot.]