I'm Too Fat To Be Anorexic. Login to Kupika  or  Create a new account 

This diary entry is written by ‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖›. ( View all entries )
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I'm Too Fat To Be Anorexic.Category: Fuck
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
04:46:07 AM (GMT)
I have never been a jealous person. I've always been the girl who would see the guy
she liked kiss another a girl, and felt nothing but happiness for him. But now I'm
suffering. I can't stand to be around anyone anymore. I just want to lock myself up
and disappear, because I know that everyone who talks to me and thinks about me and
cares about me talks to other people, too, and thinks about them, and cares. And I'm
nothing special. I don't stand out in anyone's mind except for, "I wonder why that
weird girl did/said that? That was weird...huh.." and then they forget about me. And
I keep thinking, that if I lose weight and look prettier, then people will notice me,
and I'll become real to them. They won't look at me and cringe inside because I'm
fat. They'll just see me. How can I expect them to see me when I'm buried under all
this fat? The person they see isn't me. I know I wasn't meant to be fat. I just
wasn't. In my mind, I'm skinny. Very skinny. A stick girl with big eyes and an
ever-changing world at her fingertips. She sits in the back of my mind and cries when
I eat, because I'm never going to set her free this way. Only when I stop eating and
make those conscious decisions, without compromising, to eat nothing, only then does
she nod at me, signaling our victory. If I can become her, I'll be safe. I'll be
someone real, the type of person that someone could fall in love with, or write a
book about, or the kind of person that people are so glad to have in their lives.
Right now, I'm just awkward and fat and have dirty pores on my face and scars on my
chest. I want to be that clean, pale, beautiful, skeletal girl that can walk
gracefully, confident that the space between her thighs has earned her a place in
this world. But because I'm fat, I know I don't belong, I'm just out of touch and out
of reach. 
Every time I think too much, about being fat or embarrassed or being yelled at,
that's when I lock myself up from the inside out. First I lock up my brain, then my
mouth shuts, my hands go still, my feet auto-pilot to the nearest bathroom, and
finally, I lock myself up in the stall. I slide a razor out of the magic little box
and slice open my skin, revealing candy pink flesh. The blood bubbles out in tiny
pin-pricks as my body realizes there's been a breach in security. Then all the alarms
go off and the blood pours out and I gasp because the bright red burns my eyes. 

School is a maze, and each day you have to follow the same pattern, but watch out for
the new balance-beams and high diving boards and quick-sand pits that they install
and rearrange overnight. 
Then I get home at night and go online or sleep on the couch or read, and try to
forget eating and thinking and homework and all those things I can't do. 
I go into the bathroom and check out the newest cuts, and they aren't candy pink
anymore, now they're pink like raw chicken. Disgusting, repulsive. Dried blood around
the edges. I smear the magical ointment into them, to keep the infections out. 

This all sounds very
emo/whiny/pathetic/attention-seeking/disgusting/bitchy/stupid immature and you
probably think I should just get over this because no one likes dead girls walking
around. I know, I know. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and I'll just stop
breathing, and get wiped off the earth and washed down the drain, and you can all go
on with your own snow-globe lives, and forget about my hourglass life that ran out of
sand and smashed on the floor. Just sweep the shattered pieces under the rug, and if
you hear a crunching sound when you walk, just pretend it's freshly fallen Christmas
Last edited: 12 December 2012

‹Ortni› says:   12 December 2012   530787  
I'd walk around without anything on my feet until I bleed enough for
you to come back.
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   12 December 2012   524841  

You weren't sposed to see this .-. 
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   14 December 2012   540372  

But I love you 
‹Ortni› says:   14 December 2012   366507  
Why wasn't I supposed to? And I love you too.
‹Fifious› says:   14 December 2012   359137  
Don't ever feel this way about yourself. Don't let anything or anyone
that has controlled you change you. Don't ever fall into the pit of
fakes. Be true to the person you are, you're beautiful.
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   14 December 2012   896100  

Because I make you feel bad enough already 
‹Ortni› says:   15 December 2012   305541  
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   15 December 2012   937085  

And you don't need to feel worse? 
‹Ortni› says:   17 December 2012   563501  
You're not the first person to say that, but I dont think you're the
first person to mean it. Even if you did, I wouldn't let you.
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   17 December 2012   237760  

‹Ortni› says:   17 December 2012   277325  
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   17 December 2012   816592  

You're cute. 
‹Ortni› says:   17 December 2012   580868  
I wish I was... But alas! I am just a lowly
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   17 December 2012   835217  

you're cute. 
‹Ortni› says:   17 December 2012   891056  
no way jose
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   18 December 2012   557472  

you're cute
we've had this argument too many times
just accept it
you're cute 
‹Ortni› says:   21 December 2012   148369  
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   21 December 2012   762637  

‹Ortni› says:   22 December 2012   847351  
one eggnog
‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖› says:   22 December 2012   482771  
‹Ortni› says :   22 December 2012   864958  
hmm hmm hmm


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