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This diary entry is written by NickiSunshinee. ( View all entries )
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If you really knew me.Category: (general)
Sunday, 22 July 2012
02:46:59 AM (GMT)
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm one of the sweetest, most caring people
on this planet. My conscience is the loudest voice I've ever heard. I'm hardworking
and when I set my mind to something, I go for it. I'm unstoppable. 
If you really knew me, you'd know that in middle school I was a social butterfly. I
loved knowing and befriending everybody I met. But if you really knew me, you'd know
that I've really changed since the beginning of freshman year. I still like to make
friends and be nice and such, but I'm different. I unknowingly have built walls
around me to keep others out. As I've gotten older, I've become more shy. More apt to
want to stay inside by myself. I've learned to hate social situations because of the
constant fear of rejection nagging me in the back of my head. That voice that says,
"They won't like you," or "Don't even bother, you're not good enough anyways." is
what I hear over the voice that says, "They might like you! Take a chance!" If you
really knew me, you'd know that I've also become more honest. When I think something
isn't right, regardless if I'm going against a friend of mine, I speak up because it
bugs me until I do. Bugs me to the point where I'm about to pull my eyeballs right
out of my head. If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm ashamed of how I look. I
hate looking in a mirror now because everytime I pass one, I nearly cry, and in some
cases, I actually do cry. But because of that, I spend more time in a mirror, making
sure that I look halfway acceptable just in case I run into people, or meet somebody
new. If I'm not wearing makeup, my hairs up, and I'm not dressed cute, I avoid
contact with anybody until I'm safe home because I feel that people are constantly
judging me on how I look. I've become ashamed of how I look to the point where I edit
my pictures to the point where I only look a little bit like my actually stuff. I
don't have the babysmooth skin I portray in my pictures, I actually have a lot of
facial blemishes. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm very self conscious about the
color of my skin. My face is pink and that's why I pack on a bunch of cover up. If
you really knew me, you'd know that my weight has been my biggest issue in my entire
life. I've never been itty-bitty/tiny in any way. I've always been a bigger girl, and
people have told me time and time again that I'm fat. I've gone through multiple
diets, weight loss plans, and I've even resorted to starving myself a lot. That's not
a smart solution kids, don't try it. Every morning I wake up, and I'm in a great,
positive mood. Happy to be alive. But at some point in my day, some person, or
something random has the ability to make my life seem like it's ripping apart at the
seams. If you really knew me, you'd know that I always put others before myself. But
if you really knew me, you'd know that I appreciate praise. If I do something nice
to/for you, you can at least say thank you. If I do a good job on a test or
something, don't point out all the other subjects that I'm not strong in. If I do
something right, don't tell me what's wrong with me. I think that's one of the
reasons I've grown distant from a lot of people, because I don't want people to see
what's wrong with me. I want people to think that everything is going great for me,
but I can't hide it anymore. I want people to know that I need friends right now more
than anything. If I push you away, I need you to push right back in. If you really
knew me, you'd know that I'm not like the things some people say I am. I don't sleep
around, in fact, I've never even had sex. I'm saving it for somebody I truly care
about whether I'm married or not. I don't mean to be rude to others. In fact, I'm so
worried about saying the wrong thing that I say sorry even when I don't need to.
People yell at me a lot for saying that I'm sorry. If you really knew me, you'd know
that the weirdest things freak me out. Like when people chew on toothpicks, or when
people squat. It stresses me out, and I can't watch people do it. I also hate when
people scrape metal across their/my teeth. If you really knew me, you'd know that one
day I'd like to be a model and that I'll be one even if it kills me. After my
modeling career I'd like to get into psychology or architecture. If you really knew
me, you'd know that I'm a completely different person than some of you thought I was.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I just want my old life back. I want
everything back to the way it use to be. Now I'm not saying I have no friends now, I
do, and they're amazing, I love them with all my heart and would do anything for
them, but I just would like more friends. I just want to feel liked again, and I want
to feel like I belong because that's something I haven't felt in a really long time.
If you knew me, you'd know that this took a lot of courage for me to write, and I
feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulder. If you think less of me
now, then you can ignore this and move on, but if you actually took your time to read
this, then thank you. Feel free to message me whenever you'd like. <3

‹fuckingpickyournoseidiot› says:   22 July 2012   708204  
I'm going to write my own if you knew me. Twas insiping love. Also
idont think I've mentioned, I ADORE your eyes.
NickiSunshinee says:   22 July 2012   938921  
I just really needed this weight off of my shoulders. <3 THANK YOU. (: 
‹fuckingpickyournoseidiot› says :   22 July 2012   101613  
There you are. I'll message you the link.

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