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This diary entry is written by deeplov. ( View all entries )
 
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plz dont read thisCategory: a little bit of me 0_o
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
03:59:51 AM (GMT)
. This officially has hardly or no punctuation considering that’s the boring bit
I’ll do it later …
. But  I also wont read this though or I’ll start deleting bits and I don’t want
to lose any of this, to just add.
I didn’t know I still have emotions, I thought they all evaporated away but its
gone. Like a puzzle I’ve solved that personality now for a new one. But I feel like
logic or story plots my factual theoretical pessimistic side of me is knowing that
this is going on I’ve never been able to completely believe that everything is
going to be alright always correcting adding on little by little scepticism nibbles
people that are happy thinking this isn’t possible will never be possible but I
hope It never will I want to fail to find a excuse to do whatever I don’t know what
to do I mean my ultimate goal at the moment is to be able to do nothing think nothing
like the black is coming back, like its in the shadow of my phsciqe like the sun and
the earth the stuff I think (consciously) is on the lit side but on the dark side
.this grey time is confusing 
not being able to think structurally leaping phasing in between the middle beginning
end or there is no end to a thought, it just hangs there unfinished uncompleted
unfulfilled just like every thing else up and down when reading, thinking or just
judging people expecting something but knowing that I’m wrong but not the humility
or pride to admit it so maybe I think I was right at the time over now or think
that’s what I wanted to think to have problems but knowing that problems aint all
about writing movies, plays, books not as glamorous as it seems but wanting to be
treated special but not wanting to be, not giving in to impulsive thoughts is cool or
good but when you do not what you think what you should do or what you want other
people to realise that you’ve been crying not being humble kind patent not being
the kind of girls guys always fall in love with in romantic comedies /anime/manga
after wishing you were there realising that you’ve only ever fancied one person but
not like the girls do not running away when I get frustrated realising how much
insults do or don’t hurt people the way I laugh from the bottom of my heart when
someone is happy as if that never happens in real life or when a man is crying over
his dead daughter I laugh seeing yourself in everyone not real people but the
characters in books the way you with people were as intelligent as you or always got
what you meant but be too surprised when someone is not believing or running away
from the fact that someone gets you the cynical pessimistic side that says its
impossible I know its possible but I don’t want it but I want it to be but I’ve
made it impossible for myself         !!I already know!!! Is the main feature in my
life it all I know how I can help I don’t know what you can do for me you decide
tell me what to do so I can sit here and gnaw away at all optimistic thoughts by
saying no this is terrible you are wrong laugh in your silly optimistic idealistic
ideas right in your face and say I know already what will happen in the future if I
don’t do something now I know about the Now the future and I comfort myself in the
lie that I understand the past. I want people to tell me something I don’t know
already 
I don’t hate myself I revel in my cruelty it brings joy to me to giggle at the
people those silly happy sad grieving kind-hearted people falling in love ha!
Laughing just writing this ridiculous tosh sceptical of what I write even when
writing it……. 
“in” is a part of “pain”
Ambivalence is my new favourite word –I can even spell it (but not favorate lol) 
It would be surprisingly nice for someone to care though.           END
Last edited: 16 January 2010

Comments 
deeplov shouts :   11 August 2009   671957  
.....I read two lines before my mind went numb! and I wrote it I dare
anyone to do better!
 

 
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