Saturday, 27 December 2008
08:34:06 AM (GMT)
I know not many people even pay much attention to me, but, most people in my life
don't even care how I feel. Anyone who is reading this probably doesn't even know
what I'm talking about, but this is kind of just a rant for myself, since most people
won't read it anyway.
Recently I've been feeling very depressed, and while I'd never consider suicide,
ever, I'm just not sure what I want to do. Every day when I have to go to school I
act happy for my friends because I don't want them to feel sad for me or pity me or
something. And truly, I don't know why I'm sad to begin with. I mean, my life isn't
the best, but it's definitely not the worst. I have a roof to live under and food on
the table and a good education, but I'm not really happy. My friends all seem to
think I'm happy and bubbly and cheerful all the time, and sometimes when I go to
school feeling rotten, and everyone can see I had just been crying (usually happens
after having a fight with my mom..which happens a lot recently), and I don't act like
a bubbly idiot, they all say I'm acting like a bitch or yell at me, which just makes
me feel like I've done something wrong, and I end up feeling even worse than before.
Truly, there are some days when I just want to crawl up in a ball and sleep all day
and never get up. Something that has been making me depressed recently (though it's
not a big issue) is my art. I find my art horrendous and it almost makes me cringe to
look at it. Whenever I see other artists great work, it seems as if any improvement
I've made thus far is useless.
My mom thinks I'm bipolar, depressed, emo, mentally insane, and an idiot. She tells
me these things frequently, and I hate her. I think the reason she thinks I'm like
this is because whenever I get angry I start crying hysterically and laughing and
screaming in frustration. I love my dad, he is probably the only one I can go to when
I need to cry, but since my parents are separated, I rarely see him. He always just
lets me hug him and let out any emotions I have bottled up, and understands how my
mom can get and how she affects me, because she put him through the same thing.
And honestly, the internet isn't a big part of my life. I hope this doesn't sound
offensive, but most people I meet on the internet I don't really care about much, and
I wouldn't care if I stopped talking to them. I learned this a few weeks ago, when my
friend who I texted and talked to on msn often decided he couldn't keep relations
with anyone he met on the internet anymore, and we stopped talking. I thought I would
be angry or sad, but I honestly didn't care. Then today he came back and decided he
shouldn't give up everything for just a couple things that went wrong, but I didn't
want to talk to him anymore.
There are some people I meet though who I do care about. Amanda is an example (sorry
I'm using you as an example!). I met her...a few weeks ago? A month or more, maybe?
But we had so much in common that we instantly became friends. I look up to her so
much, and I love talking to her, especially when I'm in a bad mood. She cheers me up.
If anything ever happen to her I don't even know what I'd do. I'd cry for sure. There
are other people I care about too, but since I was just talking to Amanda, she was
the first one to enter my mind.
I don't think I've ever written this much about how I've felt before.
My mom forces me to see a therapist, but the therapist just thinks I'm a problem
child, so we don't go anymore. I have mental trauma from people hitting me all the
time, and whenever someone raises their hand I flinch away and hide. My friends all
think it's funny and do it on purpose to make fun of me. Yes I know, they're not good
friends, but I need to have some people to talk to at school, or else everything
would just be worse.
Hah.. I'm treating this like a Dear Diary. There is a lot more I could probably say
right now, and all of this is scrambled and wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, but
I honestly don't care. I just wanted to write everything down and get it off my
I've been crying this entire time.
Last edited: 27 December 2008