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This diary entry is written by Katilix. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: Voice in category (general)

OnceCategory: (general)
Monday, 10 November 2008
12:38:31 AM (GMT)
Leave me,
Decieve me,
Try me,
Cry for me,
Start me,
Stop me,
Pick me,
Drop me.

Hurt me,
Fill me, 
Kiss me,
Kill me.

It's over.

The remains were gone,
The mess was cleared away.
The air was cold, dead.
Nothing left to look at,
But the cold, dead tiles that covered the floor.

I held the scalpel,
Cold, dead,
In between my hands.
Gently, I pressed the cold, dead edge
Over my hand,
Not enough to cut,
But just enough to bring me back down.

I couldn't stay there much longer.
That cold, dead room was closing around me,
Like a dark cloud,
It swam around me, 
Freezing me,
Killing me.

I ran from the room.

The glass doors, cold and dead, swung shut.

Outside the ward,
It was alive.
The figures clad in green
Rushed by like a swarm of bees,
Back and forth,
Back and forth,
From room to room,
Ward to ward,
Visiting the dead and dying.

It almost hurt to keep myself steady,
Walking at a slow pace.
Now that he was gone, 
The operation finished,
I had nothing to do.

Except paperwork.

I hated paperwork.

I saw my coworkers give me apologetic glances 
As I walked by.
Nice try,
They said,
Without a word coming from their lips.

All I could say back was,
"I'm sorry."

I couldn't be blamed,
I thought. 
It was only my first operation.
I twirled the scalpel in between my fingers,
It was the only friend I had now.

Said the back of my head,
Your only friend?
But I pushed the thought out of my mind.
Even though I wanted to think of the person
Waiting for me
Two halls away, 
I didn't.
I wasn't in the mood for any comfort or sympathy.
Ten to one, he'd probably fire me 
For the whole ordeal anyway.

I saw a familiar white coated figure
Walk up to me.
He stared me in the eyes and said
He wants you to come to his office, ASAP.

I answered Wilson, a sad look masking both our faces.

...I'm sorry.
He whispered.

I know.

He walked away.

From the deepest recess of my lungs,
I let my legs carry me

I reached the glass doors.
Why were all the doors
In this flippin' hospital 
Made of glass?
I asked myself.
No reply.

I lightly
Brought my fist up to the door
And knocked.

Come in.

The gruff voice was normal for him,
I guess. 
I pushed the transparent doors open,
And stepped into the room
That housed the man
That was my guardian and demon,
My savior and destroyer,
My love and hate.

He was sitting at his desk, 
That usual scowl intact on his features.
I smiled,
Knowing this would be the same old doctor that
I dealed with every day.

His face grew even darker still.
This was not going to be 
As normal as I thought.

I heard,
He murmured,
About the operation.

I guess...I should clean out my desk...
I answered quietly.


I said in disbelief.

No, never.

But you have every reason to fire me!
I exclaimed.
I thought you said I was gone
If I messed up anything again!

It wasn't your fault.
He said.

Then whose was it?



I shouldn't have let you do this.
You weren't ready.

I was perfectly ready, I just-

Screwed up. I know.

I hesitated. A look,
Of pure confusion came to rest 
On my face.
...then why do you still want me here?

Because, isn't it obvious?

He took a few hesitant steps toward me,
His eyes locked onto mine.

Cuddy told me,
He said,
About why you botched up the operation.

I couldn't answer.
It was obvious why I messed up.

I love you.


I know I shouldn't tell you this now, before the big operation...
I love you.



I don't love you.


Thank you for your time, doctor.

Kat, don't-

I need to go to the operating room.

Kat, wait!


That's why you messed it up, right?
He said.

One second... you tell me you hate me...

My voice was shaking with fear

The next second..you tell me that I mean everything to you....

My fists clench.

You tell me...that if I botched up this operation...you would never see me again...

Tears came.

And now... you have the nerve...to tell me that I can stay...

I was crying.

I shouted.

He couldn't answer.
All he could do,
Was walk up to me,
And wrap my arms around his shoulders.

Kat...I'm so sorry...
I heard him whisper.

You... just said... you're...sorry?
I said inquisitively, hiccupping from the sobbing,
I've...never...heard you say...that to anyone...

You do mean everything to me,
He mumbled,
You mean more to me 
Than every operation that has failed,
Every life that has been lost,
Every death that has occured in this hospital.
Through it all,
You kept me alive,
You kept me going,
No matter the many costs we've paid.

My eyes met his again.

Who are you,
I muttered,
And what did you do with Greg?

He grunted,
That cocky manner 
Coming back into his voice.
I saw that familiar hardness 
Return o his eyes,
And I could tell 
That the moment of weakness had past.

Shall we go do the paperwork?
He asked.


Fine, then,
He murmured.
You can go. 

I walked over to the doors,
But before I was able to grasp the handle,
I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

He said.
Dinner, hospital cafeteria, at eight?

I said.
And quickly,
Before he could react,
I leaned in,
And gave him a small kiss
On his cheek.

The look of surprise
Was the last thing I saw
Before I darted out the door
Back into the hall.

With a quiet giggle, 
I walked back to my office.
Checking the clock,
It said 7:49.

Maybe he wasn't that bad...after all. 

Leave me,
Decieve me,
Try me,
Cry for me,
Start me,
Stop me,
Pick me,
Drop me.

Hurt me,
Fill me, 
Kiss me,
Kill me.

(Oh my gosh...this was probably the most random and pointless thing I have ever
Dedicated to GH)

Katilix says:   10 November 2008   222573  
Fine, then. I am commenting on my OWN diary!
popsciclexdino says:   11 November 2008   714671  
TIS AWESOME!!!!!   House, Right?
Katilix says:   11 November 2008   252226  
Yep, Rachel. Yep. ^.^ I had a lot of House on the brain for the past
few weeks!

The_Dead_Writer says:   11 November 2008   243579  
No one was commenting? Pity. 

I think it's good. Don't see why no ones reading it. :
‹TheRulerofNightmares› says:   11 November 2008   884546  
It nice for being random I admit. ^^
Katilix says:   11 November 2008   259235  
Thanks, both of you! This was a piece of writing I am still not happy
with...I'll probably redo it in time.
gothprincess says:   12 November 2008   518921  
ur so poetically random kay!
Katilix says :   12 November 2008   916811  
As always, Racheybee. As always.

( )"o) Yay Snoopy!


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