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New poem. ^^Category: (general)
Monday, 9 July 2007
02:30:17 PM (GMT)
This is my lates poem. Not so very vell written, but you wanted another one. XD

A shadow of nothing
A smile without joy
A song with no meaning
A girl but no boy
The herat beats fast
I don't know why
But those feelengs never seems to last
It feels like I can't cry
I'm reaching my hand, up to the sky
I would grab the moon, if I wasn't to shy
The wind blowing my hair
Want me to go north
Never seems to reack the air
Maybe my arms are to short
Suddenly, a light reach the night
I feel like I now began to fight
Fight for all those herat broken people
And those who lost ther soul
Even it isn't much
Helping is my goal

Comments 
Hypnagogia says:   9 July 2007   259175  
Not bad.
The repetition and stylus is a little bit off. Such as the rhyming
pattern.
here's what I mean:

"I'm reaching my hand, up to the sky
I would grab the moon, if I wasn't to shy
The wind blowing my hair
Want me to go north
Never seems to reack the air"

Line 1 and 2 rhyme, meaning that line 3 and 4 should rhyme
However you made it so that 3 and 5 rhyme, which disrupts the
pattern.
If this were a frequent pattern (style one and style two, we'll say),
than it would fit, but it's not.

But not bad. :3
charmedsista says:   9 July 2007   453838  
wow!I love it. My cousin loves writing poems so I always love to hear
more especially from you
Yookii says:   9 July 2007   683153  
Thanks both of you. Yes I kno what you mean, I really don't like that
part of the poem cause I change the rythm so suddenly. But I didn't
know how to change it right cause I couldn't find any more words to
ruthm on. -.-'
But I'm that kind of person who don't like when a poem is all the
same. As ypu see in the beginning I go from rythm on the think I call
2x2 to rythm on every. That did work...

Thanks sp very much, I'm gonna try to learn more about poems now,
cause I've never really written poems befoure. ;P But thanks for the
critique, I learn from my misstakes. ^^
animelova says:   9 July 2007   755211  
its okay
momo09 says:   9 July 2007   734818  
the line " Want me to go north" stands out to me for some reason ^^
 
Yookii says :   9 July 2007   584727  
Really? I dunno where I got that from actually. Me my self can't go
so much further north, Sweden is so very north anyway. xD

 
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